Title: Confession is good for the soul.
Author/pseudonym: Sandra Lee
Email address: ssfdu@hotmail.com
Rating: G (Scary isn't it?)
Pairings: A/X

Date: 13/2/01
Archive: Please ask first.
Series/Sequel: <groan> who knows.
Other website: http://ssfdu.tripod.com

Disclaimers: Nope not mine, if they were Spike and Angel would be permanently chained to my bed and coated in chocolate sauce.

Notes: For Kay. Please be my Almost Valentine =) Also for Karen, you know why and next time I'll try to write Doyle.

Summary: A response to the Valentine's Day Challenge.

Warnings: Written at 3am in the morning. My muses are slayers of decent sleep. Not Beta'd etc and this is my first fic post to this list and my first finished BtVS/AtS fic.


Cordy passed over a stack of mail without bothering to look up from the magazine she was reading.

"Bills and junk, nothing interesting like payment from clients."

Angel started browsing through them, not having anything better to do.

"Oh wait there is one letter with a hand written address. From Sunnydale. No return address though which is strange. Do you think Buffy is trying to win you back? After all it is Valentine's Day."

The vampire looked startled. "Buffy? Valentine's Day?"

His secretary rolled her eyes. "Duh! I mean how could you not notice with all the hearts and flowers and cute things around. Oh wait that's right you're Mister-if-it-isn't-about-demon-killing-I'm-not interested."

He raised an eyebrow at that, but didn't deny it.

"So are you going to open it?"

Angel found the letter in the pile, the only thing that seemed to stop Cordy from opening it herself was that it was marked To Angel c/o Angel Investigations. And it had only just arrived so she hadn't had a chance to try to steam it open.

"Well?" An impatient sigh.

He looked at it, trying to recognise the hand writing but he couldn't.

"It's not going to bite you know, even if it did I bet you have bigger fangs."

He wasn't amused, he told himself he wasn't and his lip's didn't twitch enough for her to notice and grin.

Angel cautiously opened the letter as if it *would* bite, it was after from Sunnydale and there anything could happen.

With another look from Cordy and an exasperated motion of her hand, he started to read.

'Deadboy' had been originally written to start the letter but had been crossed out and replaced by his name.



I'm not sure I've ever called you Angel to your face, not that this is but you know what I mean, but calling you Deadboy knowing what it is I want to say just didn't seem right.

Anyway I'm leaving Sunnyhell.


And it's about damn time I'd say.

I bet you're thinking 'And this affects me how?' Well it probably doesn't but I needed to tie up a few loose ends, you know resolve stuff before I leave because this time I don't think I'm coming back.

No need to start cheering yet, the celebrations can wait.

The next bit is a major pity party so if you want to skip it, go right ahead.

Buffy and the Scoobies don't need me any more. Not that they ever did unless you count junk food runs important to human survival. I've known that for a while but maybe I'm finally accepting it.

The Hellmouth has been pretty quiet lately, well as Hellmouths go. Buffy is joyfully caught up in College life, her boyfriend and other easy non-end of the world type things right now because patrol has become a total non-event.

Willow is still at the Honeymoon stage with her girlfriend Tara, it would sicken me in a jealous jerk kind of a way over how happy they are, if they weren't so damned *cute* together. They are both still practicing their magic under the watchful eye of the G-Man, I mean Giles.

Spike, well I don't really need to tell you about him do I? I'll just say that I didn't believe it was possibly but the chip in his head has made him even more snarky. He and the Buffster have made some sort of agreement. They take turns on patrol kicking demon butt. It's done wonders for her social life, she actually has time for one at the moment.

See they are all happily going on with their lives except Spike and he doesn't count. They don't need me and at least this way I'm in no danger of getting in Buffy's way.

But enough about her. I guess you really don't want me going on about your ex, or maybe I shouldn't because it's counterproductive to what I need to say. See I too can use big words and I even know what they mean.

This letter should get to you around Valentine's Day. Do vampires actually celebrate it? If so what do they give each other instead of cards and candy? No wait, I don't think I want to know.

Getting back to the point of all this, the date is kinda ironic - yet another big fancy word, clever me. And I almost wish I could take credit for the dark humour of it all, but it is more of a Xander-y cosmic joke thing than anything.

Geez! Looks like I can babble just as well on paper. I shouldn't have had that 5th cup of coffee and the extra candybar, but I needed their sugary strength.

On to the resolving thing.

I have something I need to say, even if you spend the rest of your unlife laughing hysterically about it. And if that's they case, at least I will have been good for something.

Okay, here goes.

I love you.

To make things a little clearer...

I'm *in* love with you.

You can stop laughing now.

No really, I mean it. You can stop laughing now.

How did it happen you ask?

How the hell should I know? I mean you are a guy, a vampire, two things that I thought totally didn't interest me.

When? Well I figured it out during one of Spike's half drunken rants. Peaches this, the great bleedin' poof that. If you haven't noticed he's decided to take all his frustration out on you.

It wasn't some great mystical flash, there wasn't a choir of A... okay I won't go there, it's just *not* funny.

I missed you and I thought about why I missed you and then hey I suddenly realised why and I wasn't as freaked out as you'd expect.

It's true and there isn't a lot I can do about it.

There, that was only like one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, give me a demonic Principal any day.

But isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? If I wasn't me, I'd think so.

And now that you're Soul!Boy again, I don't have to worry about you hunting me down to kill me, and I think you would have better things to do than hunting me down just to laugh in my face, even if it's all I deserve. Or I could be wrong, about the hunting down bit, not the deserving bit.

So what now? Well they say confession is good for the soul.

Who the hell are *they* anyway? I don't exactly feel any better. Actually I feel worse, but maybe I'll start to feel better soon.

Something to look forward to.

Oops, distracted again. The story of my life, is it any wonder I got the grades I did?

Back to what now. I pack my small pile of useless junk and get the hell out of Dodge. Drive till my car dies the death it's been longing for.

Maybe I'll find some small town where I can do something useful, or not. Unless working in a low paid job waiting tables or cleaning floors is useful.

Hey! Maybe I'll end up in a big city somewhere, get my break as a professional comedian and become famous.

Then you could laugh and tell all your friends that I once fell in love with you. After all it is pretty funny even if the joke is on me.

As always.

You would think that a giant insect, an Incan Mummy, an insane Slayer and an ex-Vengeance Demon would have been enough for me. But no, I had to be greedy and falling for your broody perfection was just the chocolate frosting to top it all off. Male, souled vampire chocolate frosting.

Not that I think you are perfect, *hello* I was there during the let's terrorise and try to kill the Slayer's friends phase. I *know* you aren't...but you are as well, if that makes any more sense than the rest of this.

I could say you are perfect for me, but then I'd have to ask Spike to kill me, and as much as he'd enjoy it he couldn't do it. The whole chip, no bite thing.

And if you repeat any of that last bit ever, I'll stake you myself, and not in a good way.

Dammit! Oooh boy I so did not need to go there.

Denial is a nice warm and comfortable place. I like it.

I think that officially means I've lost the plot and that this letter should come to a quick and hopefully painless end.

I'm going to start packing after this and then quit my job tomorrow. Go me! I get to quit before they fire me for once. I'm soooo proud of myself.

Tomorrow night the gang is throwing me a farewell and good luck party. Or is that a good riddance party? No that isn't fair to them, they think I'll be back sooner or later.

I'll have to write to Willow sometime to tell her I won't.

I'm going to miss them, heck I miss you and isn't that the ultimate in pathetic

Well, so long Deadboy, enjoy the rest of your unlife. That is of course if Cordy's constant whining for a raise doesn't drive you to stake yourself.

Stay in one piece and kick demon butt.



A stray tear slid down his cheek unnoticed.

Angel's expression was full of disbelief, but was quickly replaced by a sense of urgency as he checked the date of the postmark.

It was dated the 12th and today was the day he planned to leave.

A plan quickly formed in his mind and he looked up, encountering the concerned gaze of Cordelia. She had been unusually quiet and he had completely forgotten she was there after he'd started reading.

"Xander's number?" He asked huskily.

She nodded and picked the phone up, dialling the number, before holding it out to him.

"Thanks." His throat felt strangely constricted.

Cordy gave him an encouraging smile and grabbed her purse, leaving the room silently.

Hoping he wasn't too late, Angel listened as the phone rang on the other end.



Three times.



"Xander? It's Angel..."


The Beginning.

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