*********************************************

"Shit!"  Xander juggled the boards in his hands in a frantic effort to
avoid dropping them.  He managed to get them back under control, but by
the time he did his heart was racing from reaction.  He carried them over
to where they were supposed to be and carefully laid them down.  Arms
empty, he sank down into a crouch, head in his hands.  Dropping the boards
wouldn't have been a big deal, but what if he'd been carrying tools?

What if he'd been operating a saw when he'd lost focus like that?

He had to focus, had to keep his mind on his work.  He couldn't think
about the information rattling around inside his head, telling him about
the horrors hidden in Sunnydale's corners.  He couldn't think about how
long it had been since he'd had more than an hour to sit down and relax.
He couldn't think about how much he missed Willow, or how worried he was
about Dawn.

He couldn't think about the fact that last night, Graham and Spike had
both kissed him.

With a groan, he shoved himself back to his feet.  He could think about
all of this later.  He could turn into Angel and have himself a full-on
brood-fest, but for right now he had to focus on his job.  He couldn't
afford to lose it, and he didn't want to lose a finger or become a danger
to the guys he worked with.  At least his head didn't hurt anymore so he
didn't have to work through the headache.

That thought brought him back to the events of last night.  He'd actually
drunk Spike's blood...and liked it!  He'd expected to have to force
himself to swallow, but it hadn't been anything like he'd expected.  He
didn't know how to describe the taste:  dark and rich and powerful.
Seductive, even.  And then after he'd finished, Spike had stared at him
with blue eyes that had become darker and darker until the blond man had
leaned forward and kissed him.

"And we're back...in the car...again," Xander muttered.  No matter how
hard he tried, he wasn't able to get away from the memories of last night
and they were going to make him crazy.

Taking a deep breath, Xander picked up one of the boards and moved it to
the saw horse.  He was going to do his job and worry about this later.  He
focused intently on the process of sawing, not allowing his attention to
wander for a second.  Sure, it was avoidance and he'd just end up having
to deal with everything later, but at least he'd cut down on his chances
of giving himself an accidental amputation.

He was so intent on the task he'd set for himself that the hand that
landed on his shoulder came as a complete surprise.  He managed to both
retain his grip on the saw and not scream like a girl.  He turned off the
tool and turned to face the person who'd scared him.  "Hey, boss," he
greeted Josh, the foreman.  "What's up?"

"Harris, go on ahead and take the rest of the day off."  The
broad-shouldered man gestured toward where Xander's car was.

Stomach twisting in a cold knot, Xander took off his safety goggles.  "Did
I do something wrong?" he asked.  He didn't want to lose this job - he
loved learning to shape the wood and create buildings and furniture with
his own hands.

"No."  The foreman laughed.  "I didn't mean to scare you.  You're not in
trouble.  You've been doing outstanding work on this job.  You're turning
into a damn fine craftsman, Harris."

"Then why do you want me to go?  I'd rather stay."  He needed the money.
Making the rent wasn't hard, but missing a few days' pay would make
everything a little tight and he didn't need to add that to his plate.

Josh's face turned serious.  "Listen, I know what you've been doing.
You're friends told me."

Who told him what?  That he was out most nights killing demons?  That he
still kept a stuffed Snoopy toy in his bedroom?  That he'd kissed two guys
last night and liked it?

"I know you've been working your friend's night job while she takes care
of her sick sister.  You've been working two jobs and still do a great job
at this one.  Take the rest of the week off and rest up.  Come back Monday
when we start the half-days during inspection."  He didn't give Xander a
chance to object.  "You'll still get paid.  Remember when you noticed that
flawed load of rebar?  If we'd used it we'd be having to replace it right
now and the repairs would set us back months.  I was going to surprise you
at the end of the job, but I'll tell you now:  you've got a bonus coming
to you.  Look at the days off as just a part of it, ok?"

Xander stared at him, then nodded.  "If you're sure."

"Get out of here."  Josh clapped him on the shoulder.  "I'll see you
Monday."

A little dazed, Xander finished up the board he was working on and packed
up his tools.  He could go home and sleep.  Most likely, he'd go home and
do his best Angel impersonation.  As he headed for the parking lot, he
stopped dead as a thought occurred to him.  What friends had gone and
talked to Josh?

He exhaled hard in irritation.  He wasn't thinking straight at all.  He
was tired, confused, and he was still feeling the strain of the Cynon's
influence.  His headache was gone, but he could still feel the lingering
traces of the crushing loneliness that the demon had drawn out of him.
Each emotion that the Cynon fed off of was staying with him longer and
longer, and it was more difficult to shake them off.  When the demon had
demanded humiliation from him, he'd blushed miserably for days after every
time he'd passed a place where he'd been embarrassed.  That had faded
fairly quickly compared to how long the loneliness was lingering, and how
strongly.  He still felt the edges of it, cut-off and alone even when he
was talking and laughing with other people.

He headed for his car at a slower place, trying to figure out who would've
talked to his boss.  Would Spike have  made a call?  He got his answer
when he saw who was standing next to his car.  "Graham!  Hey, Riley.  What
are you doing here?"

"Breaking you out," Graham answered with a grin.

"I really appreciate it, but why?"  Xander opened up his trunk and put his
tools away.

"You look tired," Graham said.  "I thought you could use some time off."

"Is that what your commanding officer told you to do?  Make sure that
Harris kid got some time off?"  He grinned at Graham, loving the way the
other man grinned right back in the face of his teasing.

"Yep.  We're under orders."

Riley laughed.  "He's almost telling the truth.  We told our CO that
you're the one responsible for the stability here in Sunnydale.  We're
under orders to support you and make sure the stability continues.  If
that means making sure you get enough sleep, then hey."

Xander froze.  "Have you mentioned Spike to your CO?  Did the surveillance
teams?"  What would the military do to an escapee from the Initiative?

Graham frowned but it was gone so quickly Xander barely had time to see
it.  "He knows Spike is around, but he believes that chipped, Spike isn't
a threat."

Xander nodded, relieved.  He didn't want Spike to be in danger because
he'd been helping him.  He didn't want Spike to be in danger period, which
was a can of worms he was going to ignore for as long as he could.

"What's on the agenda for tonight?" Riley asked.

Grateful for the distraction, Xander said, "There's a nest of young
vampires who are getting big for their britches since they haven't had
their asses kicked by the Slayer.  I think it's about time that they learn
their place."

"How do you know?" Graham asked.

Xander shrugged.  "The information is just there, in my head.  If I think
about it, then I know where some of Sunnydale's nasties are and what
they're up to.  Eventually there's no more information, and I have to go
get some more."

Graham started to say something, but Riley interrupted him.  "Why don't we
go take care of the vampires now?  Hit'em while they're sleeping."

"Not without Spike," Xander said.  He'd promised that to the vampire once
he'd started dealing with the Cynon.  He'd continue to meet the Cynon, but
he wouldn't act on the information he received without Spike at his side.
"I'm not going to do anything until after sundown."

He could tell that Graham and Riley didn't like his answer, but he wasn't
going to change it.  He'd given his word and he couldn't break it.
Especially not to Spike, no matter how he felt about Graham.  Xander dug
his nails into his palm in a gesture of frustration.  He'd accepted the
fact that he was bi, worked himself around to acknowledging the fact that
he was into guys too and was ok with it.  He could've dealt with being
attracted to both of them at the same time; he wasn't that far away from
being a teenager, when thinking about *linoleum* was enough to get him
hot.  But the crush he'd been hiding from Spike had grown beyond being a
crush weeks ago, and the kiss last night hadn't done anything to stop it.
At the same time, getting know Graham had had the same effect on Xander's
feelings for them.  How could he be falling in love with two different
people at the same time?  What was wrong with him?

"We'll wait for Spike," Graham agreed.  "In the mean time, you should let
us get you some dinner or something."

"I could eat," Xander agreed.  "Um, do either of you have a cell phone I
can use?"  He accepted Graham's phone and dialed his apartment number.
When Spike picked up he said, "Listen, I got off work early.  Graham and
Riley are here and they're offering me free food.  I'm going to get dinner
with them while we wait for the sun to set."

//Is everything all right?// Spike asked.  His voice sounded a little
strange.

"Everything's good.  I actually got some good news at work - I'll tell you
about it when I see you."

//Where should I meet you?//

"You remember the crypt that looks like it's covered in Oompa Loompas?"
He grinned when he heard Spike laugh a little.

//I'll be there.  Xander...//

"Yeah?"  His heart beating faster for no apparent reason, Xander waited.

//I...never mind.  Do you want me to bring you your favorite toys?//

"Thank you, that'd be great.  I've got the stakes covered, but I need the
other stuff."

//I'll bring them.  Watch yourself.  I'll see you as soon as the sun
sets.//

"I will.  See you soon."  Xander handed the phone back to Graham,
wondering just what Spike had been about to say.  "Where for dinner?"

"Is there anywhere near here?" Graham asked.

"Um, Delarico's has decent Mexican food, and it's completely non-demonic."

"Sounds good."  Graham nodded his head toward the SUV parked beside
Xander's car.  "You want a lift?"

Xander held out his hand, palm up.  "I'm the one who knows where
Delarico's is.  I should drive."

"This is a military-owned vehicle," Riley said, keys held protectively in
his hand.

"If it's not yours, why are you worried?"  Xander smiled winningly and
kept his hand out.

"Fine," Riley said, handing over the keys.

"Don't worry, Riley," Xander said, opening up the driver's door and
unlocking the vehicle.  "If I run over a line of parking meters or
something, I'll tell everyone you were driving."  He ignored Riley's glare
and started the SUV.  Delarico's was close by so he wasn't driving long at
all.  That meant less time for Riley to spend fidgeting nervously in the
back seat, which was good.  It also meant less time for him to sit with
Graham next to him in the passenger seat, so close and talking to him.
Which was also a good thing, since he really didn't want to damage the
vehicle by being distracted and running into a parked car.

At the restaurant, they got their food quickly and headed for a booth.
Xander watched as Graham and Riley slid in on opposite sides of the table.
 That meant he had to sit by one or the other.  It was no contest.  He
slid in beside Graham and was immediately rewarded by Graham's pleased
smile.

By the time the food was gone, so was all the space between Xander and
Graham.  Sitting close together, Xander laughed as Graham told stories
about himself and Riley on the various missions they'd performed.  The
stories were fun, but the best part was hearing Graham's voice, seeing his
eyes crinkle up as he smiled, and feeling the warmth of him pressed so
close.

Xander responded by telling them stories about growing up on the
Hellmouth.  He tried to focus on the ones that effected him, rather than
the ones about Buffy.  He didn't want to upset Riley by mentioning her too
much.  He was finishing up one of the most embarrassing, explaining why
every woman in Sunnydale fell in love with him for a short time and Graham
and Riley were laughing so hard he was worried they all might get asked to
leave.

"So they were all after you?" Riley asked, calming down a little.

"It was a nightmare.  That's why I don't go anywhere near magic or wishes
if I can help it."  Xander took a long drink of his soda.  Mmm, caffeine.
He glanced out the window and the sight of the reddening sky sent him
scrambling to find his watch.  "Damn, we were here longer than I thought.
The sun's going down."

Riley sighed.  "Time for more fun and excitement?"

"Hey, the fun never stops in dear old Sunnyhell."  Xander moved
regretfully away from Graham, stretching as he stood up.

"Why more people don't move here, I'll never know."  Graham followed him
out of the restaurant.

Xander tossed the keys back to Riley.  "I think you can handle it back to
the parking lot.  The cars will be safe there until we're done foiling the
plans of evil doers."  He looked over at Graham and grinned.  "Shot gun!"
He bolted for the passenger side door.

Graham stared at him.  "Shot gun?  Aren't you required by law not to do
that after you graduate high school?"

Xander stuck his tongue out at him.  "You're just jealous because I
thought of it first."

"Maybe.  Next time the front seat is mine!"

"Take it this time," Riley said, tossing the keys to Graham.  "Not that I
like the idea of either of you driving."

Graham climbed in the SUV.  "This from the man who managed to crash a-"

"That story can wait!" Riley interrupted.

Xander reminded himself to ask Graham about it later.  He directed Graham
back to the parking lot.  Once there, he opened his trunk and pulled out
his stash of spare stakes.  "You guys need anything?"  He looked over at
and watched as the two soldiers took their own weapons out of the back of
the SUV.

"Got it covered," Graham said.  "But thanks."

Once they were all packed up, Xander led the way to the Quiet Slumbers
cemetery.  The cemetery itself wasn't far away, but the Oompa Loompa crypt
was on the far side of it, so it was a bit of a walk.  Xander fell into
step with Graham while Riley ranged ahead of them.

"You know, I can't believe that last story you told us.  The one about the
love spell."  Graham grinned at him as he walked even closer to him.

"It's all true!  You've lived here; you know that kind of thing happens
all the time."

"No, I mean I can't believe that it took a spell to send everyone in this
town running after you."

Xander slowed down to a stop.  He stared at Graham, who had stopped to
face him.  That was one of the nicest things that had ever been said to
him.  He could read the honesty in Graham's eyes, the sincerity and want
and affection.  He took a step forward, and then another, until he was
standing in Graham's space.  He reached up and slid his hand around to
cradle the back of Graham's neck and urge his head down for a kiss.

Graham's lips met his hesitantly at first, then with growing urgency.
Xander cooperated with the gentle pressure and parted his lips, sighing
and shifting closer as Graham's tongue lapped at his own.  Strong arms
close around his waist and pulled him even nearer.  He could feel all of
Graham against him, feel his heartbeat and his heat and his desire.  He
moaned and shifted, wanting more as his hands roamed over Graham's back.

Survival instinct made him pull away with a disappointed groan that
matched Graham's.  A cemetery was no place for this.  Not only was it
vaguely icky, but it was dangerous as well.  He stepped away from Graham
and blinked a few times, waiting for his head to clear.  He clear his
throat.  "We've got work to do," he said, reminding himself, too.

Graham nodded.  "Not that I can make myself care about that any more," he
said ruefully.

Xander nodded his agreement.  He looked over at Riley, who was studiously
ignoring both of them.  "Let's go."  Graham fell in step beside him once
more.

As they walked toward the crypt, Xander fought to hide his confusion.
Guilt and happiness warred inside him.  He feeling closer to Graham than
ever, sure that the other man's feelings went way beyond casual lust.  It
was one of his most cherished fantasies come true and he wanted to give in
to the exhilaration that thought brought.  Guilt wouldn't let him, though.
 What was he doing?  He was on his way to meet Spike, who had become one
of his closest friends.  Who had kissed him the night before and held him
and tried to make everything all right.  He still felt the same about
Spike, still felt the same desire and near-love that had filled him last
night.

Walking beside Graham, walking toward Spike, Xander had no idea what to
do.  He had well and truly screwed up and he saw no way out of the
situation.  He was caught up in what might have once been a favorite dream
- except now it was feeling an awful lot like a nightmare.

*****
 
 

Graham knew he couldn't sneak off to a separate corner cemetery.  It would
be a foolish risk and far too dangerous.  That meant he couldn't have the
privacy he needed to pump his fists in the air in an abbreviated victory
dance.  He couldn't do it in front of the others; Riley would never let
him hear the end of it and he didn't want to freak Xander out.

But Xander had kissed him!  It had been sweet and hot and left him aching
for more, for anything that Xander could give him.  He knew what Xander
tasted like now, knew what it felt like to hold him close and feel his
warmth.  Graham glanced over at the man walking beside him, catching
Xander's gaze for a moment and sharing a small smile with him.  He knew
that Xander cared about him.  He could see it in his eyes and could taste
it in his kiss.  Xander wasn't just interested in him physically; it went
beyond that.  One of his favorite fantasies was coming true:  not only did
Xander like him, but he also wanted him and seemed like he loved him.

His good mood faded a little as they approached a crypt that was covered
in cherubs that did look quite a bit like Oompa Loompas.  He had been
hoping that Spike would have flaked out on them and not shown up, but the
vampire was leaning against one of the uglier little cherubs and smoking,
waiting none too patiently.  Graham slowed down and beside Riley, but
Xander kept walking up to Spike.

The vampire looked Xander up and down.  "You all right, pet?"

"I'm good," Xander said.  He quickly explained why he was away from work
and why he had the next few days off.

Spike grinned at him.  "Congratulations.  Looks like someone else is
finally learning to appreciate you.  Want me to kill something for you?
As a sort of celebration, like?"

Xander laughed.  "As a matter of fact...yeah.  There's a nest of fledges
we need to clean out."

"Then this will come in handy."  Spike handed Xander a handgun.

"Thanks.  The nest is over to the east."  Xander glanced at Graham.  "You
guys ready?"

"Let's go," Graham answered.

Xander led the way through the cemetery.  Graham tried to fall back in
step with him, but Spike was suddenly there between them.  The vampire was
glued to Xander's side, asking him questions about his bonus at work and
about the nest they were seeking.  It all looked very natural...except for
the sneer Spike directed toward Graham as he slid between him and Xander.

Graham tried to subtlety regain his place, but Spike refused to be out
maneuvered.  Graham didn't want to draw too much attention to himself, not
just before a fight when it could be too distracting, so he fell back
beside Riley, settling for glaring at the vampire.  He hated staring at
Spike.  Not only did it mean he wasn't staring at Xander, but it meant he
was forced to think about Spike.  Every time he looked at Spike he
realized all over again how handsome the blond man was, how he moved with
animal grace that fairly screamed sex.  He remembered watching the video
tapes of 'Hostile 17' over and over again any time he was on rotation with
observation, especially the tape that caught Spike jerking off for the
camera, hands wandering over his pale body as he writhed ecstatically from
his own touch.

Graham didn't want to think about any of that; he just wanted to look at
Xander and think about the possibilities of the future with him.  Instead,
he was looking at Spike and wonder what it would be like to run his hands
over the pale skin.  Seeing Spike hover over Xander, watching him fight
and hearing him make scathing, amusing jokes were all messing with
Graham's head as well.  The vampire wasn't Hostile 17 any more; he was
Spike, an attractive man that Graham would have perhaps pursued if he
hadn't fallen so hard for Xander.  Looking at Spike just confused and
irritated him, which is why he would prefer to look at Xander.

Reaching the vampires' next almost came as a relief.  It was in a
predictably run down crypt in one of the creepier corners of the cemetery.
 "Don't the people who run this place ever do any maintenance work?" he
asked, surveying the crypt.

"They don't get paid enough," Xander said.  "Besides, why would you want
to ruin this delightful atmosphere?"

"What's the situation?" Riley asked, focussing them all on business.

"It's not a large nest," Xander said.  He closed his eyes.  "Maybe fifteen
of them.  They're all young and inexperienced, nothing to worry about
except for their numbers.  They don't have a set leader, but they're
beginning to get bolder since the Slayer hasn't been seen lately."  He
opened his eyes.  "That's all I've got."

"That's all we need, pet," Spike said.

Graham resisted the urge to glare at him.  "So we're just going go in?"

"No point in being subtle," Xander said.  "They wouldn't appreciate it,
anyway."  He pulled out two stakes, one for each hand.  "Shall we?"

"Hang on, pet."  Spike stopped Xander with a quick touch to his shoulder.
"Let me go in first.  Quarters are too close in there."  He walked into
the crypt like he owned the place.

Xander moved off to the side.  "When they come out, they're probably going
to be very pissed off and moving fast."

"He's done this before?" Riley asked.

"Oh, yeah.  Do you really think he'd miss a chance to insult something
before killing it?"

Xander didn't get a chance to elaborate further; Spike ran out of the
crypt with a devilish grin stretching his features.  "Here they come," he
said, coming to a halt just in front of Xander and turning to face the
crypt.

Just as he'd predicted, vampires poured from the mouth of the crypt, fury
clear on their inhuman faces.  Spike stepped forward to meet them, staking
one and throwing another over the nearest row of headstones before moving
into the center of the fray.  The fledges milled about in confusion, not
expecting to find three humans waiting for them with the insane vampire
who had first insulted them, then begun killing them.

Graham didn't wait for them to recover their equilibrium; instead, he
moved forward and staked the vampire closest to him.  He managed to stake
another before the rest of the fledges realized that the humans were also
a threat and began to defend themselves.  Even as he fought to keep the
fledges focusing on him away from his body, Graham kept an eye on Xander,
wanting to be sure that the other man was safe.  Xander was holding up
well; he'd taken out two vampires and was fending off two others with a
reasonable amount of effort.  Riley was also doing as well as a man
surrounded by demons could; he hadn't gone down and he didn't look hurt.
Graham knew his friend could handle himself.  Graham also caught himself
checking on Spike, as if the vampire's welfare was any concern of his.
The vampire was ripping through the ranks of the fledges with unrestrained
glee, dust showering down around him.

An aggressive fledge knocked Graham over and then leapt upon him.  Fear
choked him as he struggled with his stronger opponent.  Cold hands tore at
his clothes, seeking to reach his skin and rend his flesh.  Adrenaline
coursing through his veins stronger than ever, Graham snaked his hand
between his body and the vampire's, stake still clutched in his fist.
With a carefully aimed thrust, he slammed the stake home and closed his
eyes as ash fell down upon him.  A moment later he was back on his feet
and back in the fight.

Finally, there was no one left to fight.  Graham blinked, a little
surprised that it was all over.  Riley was putting away his stakes, Spike
was brushing off his jacket, and Xander was wincing as he tried to get a
look at the back of his shoulder.

Graham tried to get to Xander's side to find out how badly he was hurt,
but Spike was in his way.  He moved roughly past Spike, not wanting to
dance around him.  The thought of bumping into Spike repeatedly was
torturous; not only would it keep him away from Xander, but he'd be put
into direct contact with the whipcord body that he was trying so hard to
pretend didn't effect him at all.

Spike hissed as he was shouldered aside.  Hearing that, Graham turned to
look at him.  The vampire's face was darkened by a bruise across one of
his cheekbones and he was holding his shoulder stiffly, as though it hurt
him.  "Are you all right?"

Shrugging with only one shoulder, Spike shook his head.  "It's nothing.
Give me a little while and I'll be as good as new."  He looked at Xander.
"What about you, pet?"

Xander looked up.  "It hurts, but I can't tell how bad it is."

Graham beat Spike to stand behind Xander, but only just barely.  If the
vampire had been uninjured, no doubt it would have been Graham peering
around Spike's shoulder instead of the other way around.  Graham reached
out and held apart the edges of the tear in Xander's shirt.

"Ouch," Xander murmured, looking at the ragged cut running down the back
of his shoulder.  "It's bleeding."

"Not badly," Graham said.  "I've got the stuff I need to patch you up."

"Not just yet," Xander said.  He twisted around so he could look at the
men behind him.  His gaze flickered from Spike to Graham and then back
again.  "Spike, you're hurt."

"It's not bad," Spike said.  "I'll li...whatever."

"Turnabout is fair play.  Isn't that the saying?"  Xander looked at
Graham.  "Would you and Riley excuse us?"  He walked toward the now empty
crypt, Spike trailing along in his wake.

Graham exchanged a confused glance with Riley.  "I don't like this."

"Neither do I," Riley admitted.

That was all the encouragement Graham needed.  He headed for the crypt,
slowing as he reached the entrance.  With Riley beside him, he peered
inside the crypt.

Spike was facing Xander, hand cupping the dark-eyed man's cheek.  "Are you
sure, pet?"  Spike's voice sounded odd, too hoarse, too deep.  He stared
at Xander's back with surprise clearly written on his face.

"Yeah.  You need this."

"I'll survive without it."

"I want to do this.  I want to help you."  Xander turned his back on
Spike.  "Please, Spike?"

Spike stepped forward and laid his hands on Xander's shoulder.  He leaned
forward and kissed the back of Xander's neck, then parted the rent in
Xander's shirt.  He bent his head and parted his lips, running his tongue
up the bleeding cut in long, slow strokes.  As Xander's head dropped so
his chin rested against his chest, Spike lapped up the blood on his
shoulder.  The licks were careful and gentle, and Spike's hands ghosted up
and down Xander's arms in comforting sweeps.  When the wound had finally
stopped bleeding, Spike dragged his tongue the length of the cut one more
time, then placed a soft kiss on the torn skin.  "Thank you, luv."

"You're finished?"  Xander turned around.  "Is it going to help?"

"I feel better already.  So will you, soon.  Vampire saliva seems to help
with healing wounds."

Graham finally felt shock lose its hold on him.  He stepped angrily into
the crypt.  "What the hell is going on?"

Xander jumped.  "Graham?"

Graham took another step forward and Spike was in his face, blocking the
way to Xander.  "Out of my way."

Spike raised an eyebrow and stayed right where he was.  Graham had to
jostle past him, bumping up against him repeatedly in the narrow confines
of the crypt.  The distraction of the slim, hard body against his own
wasn't enough to stop him; he kept fighting to get past the vampire.  He
couldn't help the involuntary bolt of desire that shot through him.  He
distantly noticed that Spike didn't look entirely unaffected, either; the
vampire's snotty smirk was faltering and his eyes had grown darker.

"Spike!"

At the sound of Xander's voice, Spike stopped his obstruction.  With a
sneer, he moved out of the way and allowed Graham to approach Xander.

Graham stared at the dark-haired man.  Xander's eyes were wide and his
cheeks were slightly flushed.  What was going on?  Xander was attracted to
him; hell, he was pretty sure Xander was falling in love with him.  So
what was he doing with Spike?  "Xander?  What's going on?"

"I was bleeding and Spike needed blood."

"Not that.  I saw him kiss you."

Xander dropped his gaze and stared miserably at the floor.  "I don't know
what to tell you."

"Is this like what Riley got into?"  He didn't want to upset Riley, but he
was terrified that Xander might be sinking into the same depression and
madness that had gripped his friend.  "You're paying him to protect you
with your blood?"

"No!  It's not like that.  It's not a payment."  Xander paused, obviously
searching for words.

Graham didn't give him a chance to try to come up with some sort of
explanation.  The betrayal that coursed through him demanded action.  He
didn't know how Spike had talked Xander into this, but it was going to end
now.  "He's using you, Xander.  All he wants from you is your blood and to
get on Buffy's good side."

"That's not true!  Listen-"

"No, you listen.  Why else would he be doing this?  All he wants is to
impress Buffy by helping to keep one of her friends alive, and it gives
him an excuse to kill things.  You're just a means to an end, and
convincing you to start giving him your blood just sweetens the game for
him.  Don't be stupid, Xander.  Don't let him do this to you."

"You don't understand.  Spike wouldn't-"

"He's a vampire!"

A new voice broke into the argument.  "What a coincidence.  So am I."  A
vampire in game face stood in the entrance to the crypt.  "What the hell
are you mortals doing here?  Where's Jared?  Where's Mark?"

Spike stepped forward to answer.  "I think Jared is out behind the crypt.
And Mark..."  He brushed some lingering ash off the sleeve of his duster.
"Do you think that might be him?"

The new vampire growled and rushed into the crypt, followed by several
others.  Graham and Xander immediately ended their fight to defend
themselves.  Even as he fought with his inhuman opponent, Graham's
thoughts were on the betrayal of his trust and his feelings that he'd just
witnessed.

This was nowhere near over.

*****
 
 

Spike turned quickly and slammed a stake into the fledge's chest, killing
the inept creature before it could sneak up on him.  He looked around the
crypt, but there was no one left to fight.  The young vampires who had
shown up to avenge their friends had died quickly; not even the close
quarters had helped them when it came to facing experienced fighters, not
to mention Spike himself.  None of the humans had been hurt and Spike had
actually finished healing during the course of the fight.

He turned to look at Xander, wanting to read his expression.  The
dark-haired man refused to meet his gaze; instead, Xander was standing off
in a corner, arms wrapped around himself as he avoided everyone else as
best he could.  That made Spike's decision for him.  If Xander didn't want
to talk about anything with anyone, then he didn't have to.  "What's next
on the agenda for tonight, then?"  He could probably distract the soldier
boys by feeding them some line about duty before personal concerns.

"I'm empty," Xander said quietly.

Shit.  No distraction and they were going to have to see the Cynon again.
Spike scowled and tried to come up with another distraction.  He wasn't
fast enough.  Graham walked across the crypt to once again face Xander.
Spike was tempted to interfere, to try to block the soldier again.  He
didn't want the other man to have a chance to hurt Xander...and he had to
admit that he wouldn't mind feeling the other man's body against his own.
He knew that interfering would only make things worse, though, so he
stayed out of it.  He just made sure to be close enough to be ready if
Xander needed him.

"We aren't finished, Xander."  Graham stood in front of the dark-haired
man, arms crossed over his chest.  "I want to know what you think is going
on."

"What?"  Xander reluctantly looked up to meet Graham's gaze.

"You say that Spike isn't using you.  You say that you weren't paying him
by letting him...letting him have your blood.  What is going on, then?"

"I don't know what is going on!" Xander protested.

"I'm not interested in games."

"It isn't a game," Xander said pleadingly.  "Graham, I'm not lying to
you."

"Then what is Spike to you?  He didn't just feed from you.  I saw him kiss
you."

Xander shook his head.  "I don't know what to tell you.  I'm sorry, but I
don't.  Things are really confusing.  I know how you make me feel...but
there's Spike, too."

"You like Spike?"  Graham's voice was incredulous.  "And you actually
think he could feel something for you?  Xander, that's insane.  Can you
hear yourself?  You have to know how crazy that is."

"Graham..."  There was pure misery in Xander's voice, the same as that
which filled his eyes, but he made no move to deny his feelings for Spike.

Graham stared at him in disbelief for a moment before his features slipped
into an expressionless mask.  "I don't believe this."  He turned and
walked toward the entrance of the crypt.  Just before he reached it, he
turned and looked back at Xander.  "I wasted a lot of dreams on you."
Then he was gone, taking Riley with him.

Spike unclenched his fists, hardly noticing the pain from where his
fingernails had sliced through the flesh of his palms.  He wanted to
follow Graham, wanted to return upon him the pain he'd just visited upon
Xander, but he couldn't.  Not only was the chip stopping him, but he had
to stay with Xander.

Xander was staring at the mouth of the crypt, hugging himself as his eyes
shone with unshed tears.  Spike approached him cautiously.  "Xander?  Time
to head home."

Xander blinked rapidly and the tears disappeared, but he didn't respond.
Hovering over him every step of the way, Spike shepherded him back to the
apartment,  never moving more than a pace away from his side the entire
journey.  Once inside the apartment, he ushered Xander over to the couch
and sat down beside him, twisting so he could see his face.  He was more
than a little unnerved by the other man's continued silence.  "Xander?"

The only response he got was more rapid blinking to dispel potential
tears.  Spike couldn't sit there and watch Xander hurt.  He followed his
instinct and leaned forward, trying to pull Xander into a comforting
embrace.

Xander resisted him with sudden fierce effort, throwing off his arm.  "I'm
not interested in being used," he said harshly.

Spike froze.  Damn that soldier bastard!  First he hurt Xander by throwing
the boy's confusion back in his face and then he made Xander doubt him.
Spike had spent weeks by Xander's side, slowly earning his trust and his
friendship.  He had even begun to think Xander could return his feelings
and now all that may have been destroyed.  Fighting down his anger, he met
Xander's glare directly.  "I'm not using you, Xander."

"Yeah?  So this isn't some kind of ploy to get close to Buffy?  You were
spending a lot of time hanging around her before."  There was old pain in
Xander's eyes behind the new hurt, like being used wasn't anything new for
him.

"No!  Of course not.  This was never about Buffy."  Xander's gaze didn't
soften at all.  "Look, I admit I played with Riley's head.  He was one of
*them*, one of the ones that put this damn chip in my head.  I couldn't do
anything to them like I wanted to, couldn't do anything to get any real
revenge, so I took what I could get.  He was so insecure about Buffy that
it didn't take much to push his buttons.  You know me, luv.  I couldn't
not do it."

"So you were only lying to Riley about Buffy?"  Xander watched him
intently.

"I was messing with his head, getting my own back the only way I could.
He must have told Graham about it.  That's why the stupid git is hung up
on the idea."  He moved closer to Xander and reached out to stroked his
hands up and down the other man's upper arms.  "I've been with you because
I want to be with you, Xander.  It's got nothing to with anyone but you."

Xander held his gaze, searching for something.  "I want to believe you."

"Then do.  I'm telling the truth, Xan.  This is only about you and the way
I feel about you.  The rest of Sunnyhell could disappear and nothing would
change because you're the only thing that matters."  It was hard to find
the words.  He hadn't needed them with Dru; they hadn't really made sense
to her.  It was attention that she craved.  It was the same with Harmony,
even; all that had mattered was that he was focused on her.  His words
usually went right over her empty head.  With Xander staring at him with
somber eyes, he had to grope to find a way to convince the other man he
was telling the truth.

He pulled Xander closer, not stopping until he held Xander close against
his chest.  "I don't care what anyone else thinks or feels or wants, luv.
All that matters is you.  If you don't want this, fine.  It ends here
because you want it to."  Ignore the fact that it would rip Spike's heart
out.  He'd still back off...for as long as he could, anyway.  "If this is
what you want, though, I'm here.  You understand?  I'm not going anywhere
so long as you want me here."  He held Xander tightly, unwilling to let
him go.  He might say he was, but he couldn't change how he felt.  He
loved Xander, wanted him, and he wasn't going to let him go without a
fight.

Xander was silent for several moments, holding himself utterly still.  A
shuddering sigh shook his frame and he turned a little, moving deeper into
the circle of Spike's arms.  Xander's arms slowly unwrapped from around
his own body and slid around Spike so that he was returning the embrace.
"I want to believe you," he repeated in a whisper.

"Then do," Spike said again, scattering kisses across Xander's temple.
"Just trust me, luv.  I've got you and I'm not going to let you go."  He
might be able to force himself to back off for a bit and give Xander the
illusion of freedom, but there was no way that he could ever just let
Xander go.  Not after falling in love with him.  He continued to hold
Xander, the warm strength of him filling his arms.  He could feel Xander's
heart beat, smell the pure sent of him as the dark-haired man relaxed
against him.

A ragged sigh ghosted across Spike's skin.  "Graham was wrong," Xander
said quietly.  "I wasn't playing games with him."

"I know, luv.  You're not me.  You don't do that to people."  Spike forced
himself to keep his voice level to avoid upsetting Xander.  He still felt
the urge to hunt Graham down and smash the taller man's face in.  Just
because Graham couldn't handle the idea of Xander being interested in
anyone besides him was no reason to hurt him.  One reason that Spike was
drawn to Xander was the other man's innate honesty.  If Graham hadn't seen
that in Xander and realized that playing games could never be a part of
Xander's nature, then he didn't deserve a chance with Xander.

Xander still hadn't looked up at him.  "But if I wasn't playing games, you
know what that means, right?"

Spike tightened his embrace.  "I know, Xander.  You really felt something
for him."

"Feel," Xander corrected.  "It isn't just going to go away."

"I know that, too."  Spike kissed Xander's hair once more.  "Love doesn't
work by any rules.  It's never easy, not if it's real.  I understand, pet,
and it's all right."

He was rewarded for finding the words by Xander raising his head.  The
dark eyes that met his were liquid with unshed tears.  Spike met Xander's
solemn stare for a moment, then leaned forward and kissed the corner of
Xander's mouth.  When that drew the barest hint of a smile from Xander,
Spike moved forward once more and kissed him more firmly, taking in the
feeling of soft lips moving against his own.  After a moment he sat back.

Xander blinked a few times and the smile disappeared, buried under rising
uncertainty.  "Um, did I do something wrong?"

"No," Spike said quickly.  He hated this; he wasn't prepared to have to
guess how his actions could be interpreted.  He wasn't used to caring
about how they reacted beyond whether or not he managed to frighten or
hurt them.  "Nothing's wrong.  It's just..." he shut his mouth.  He was
beginning to babble as uselessly as Angel would.

Xander's smile made a brief reappearance.  "It's ok.  I think I just want
to go to bed.  I need some time on my own.  To think, you know?"

Spike nodded.  "You do that, luv.  I'll be here when you want to talk more
tomorrow."  He brushed his lips across Xander's once more, then stood up
and helped Xander to his feet as well.  "Sleep well."

Shoulders slumped wearily, Xander nodded and headed for his bedroom.
Spike watched him go, then entered his own bedroom.  He wasn't going out
that night.  He couldn't, not when there was a chance Xander could need
him.  More pragmatically, staying in also meant that he wouldn't be
tempted to see how much damage he could wreak on Graham before the chip
finally melted his brain.

He changed his clothing, removing his jeans and pulling on a pair of
pyjama pants he'd appropriated from Xander.  He'd never been one for pjs,
but he'd noticed that Xander seemed to like him wearing them.  If it meant
he might get a smile from Xander in the morning, then he'd wear them.  He
stayed in his room, laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling as he
listened to Xander get ready for bed.

Humans were so strange about love.  The way they believed that you could
only love one person at a time; he couldn't understand it.  He could
remember his own childish beliefs in true love with a single person, but
they seemed just that:  childish.  Love was love; why try to limit it to a
single other person?  Xander was torturing himself over feelings that he
couldn't control, and Graham was willing to throw away a chance with
Xander because he couldn't understand that love couldn't be limited.

As all sound gradually ceased in the apartment, Spike stood up and crept
silently from his room to Xander's.  He didn't feel right going to sleep
until he checked on the other man.  He stood in the doorway and sighed.
Xander was huddled in a tight ball in one corner of his bed, his
expression unhappy even in sleep.  Not wanting to risk waking him, Spike
stayed in the doorway, watching him sleep.  When Xander woke up tomorrow,
Spike intended to be there for him.  He was going to make him lose that
pained expression and bring the smile back to his eyes.  He was going to
show him that it was all right to feel like he did.

He was going to do everything he could to make Xander realize that he was
loved.

*****
 

As the rising sun finally shone through his window, Xander gave up on all
pretenses of sleep.  He'd been restless all night, dark thoughts and a
heavy heart bringing him out of fitful dreams again and again.  He'd slept
a little at first, but for the past few hours he had been faking it,
hoping that the semblance of sleep might at least make him feel rested.
Xander gave up and climbed out of bed.  He stood in the middle of his room
and stared wearily at his closet.  What was he going to do today?  It was
his day off, so he didn't have to worry about work.

Great.  So he could spend the whole day thinking about how badly he'd
fucked up his life.

Xander shook himself.  Thinking like that wasn't going to get him
anywhere.  It would just drive him back into bed...or maybe under it.  The
only thing that was going to keep him going was work.  If he didn't have
to go into his day job, then he could work on the one he did at night.
He'd made a promise to Spike not to do anything without him, but he
couldn't stay in the apartment all day and wait for night to fall.  He'd
find a way to make it up to Spike later.

Dressing quickly, Xander left the apartment as quietly as he could,
knowing that Spike would be sleeping to deeply to notice anything except
maybe a war.  Hands shoved deeply into his pockets, he walked to the
cemetery, thoughts whirling around in his mind in endless spirals.
Graham's words echoed in his memory:  'I wasted a lot of dreams on you'.
Had those dreams been wasted?  Xander hadn't been trying to play with
Graham; he'd been attracted to the other man and had fallen in love with
him.  Those feelings had been real...but so were his feelings for Spike.
He didn't understand how he could be in love with two people at the same
time.  What was wrong with him?  The thing that frightened him most was
the thought that maybe he wasn't really in love with either Graham or
Spike.  Maybe he only thought he was.  Maybe he didn't know what love was
and he was confusing something else for it.

More confused than when he left the house, Xander reached the Cynon's
crypt.
  He hesitated for a moment outside.  He didn't want to go in without
knowing that Spike would be outside, waiting for him and looking out for
him.  Damning himself as a coward, he forced himself to enter.  The
interior was shadowed even in daylight and Xander stared hard through the
darkness.  "Hello?"

The Cynon glided out of the far corner, appearing out of the shadows to
leer down at Xander.  "I didn't expect you to return so quickly."

"I'm full of surprises," Xander said.  "Let's do this."

"Eager today?  Good."  The Cynon moved closer, circling around him with
predatory grace.  "I have something special planned."  It leaned closer,
staring at him in obvious anticipation.  "Rejection."  It said the word
slowly, drawing it out, savoring it.

Xander shuddered a little but he refused to look away.  "Can you hurry
this up?  I've got plans for later."

The Cynon inclined its head and raised its hand, reaching out toward
Xander's face but stopping just short of making contact.  "Feel," it
whispered.

Xander felt.  The memories of a lifetime of rejection coursed through him,
replaying in his mind as if new once more.  Every time his parents ignored
him in favor of watching the television or yelling at each other.  Every
time the cool kids had walked right past him as if he didn't exist.  Every
time his friends left him behind without even considering bringing him
along.  Every time he lost a job.  Anya leaving him.  Graham turning his
back on him and walking away.

The last ripped through him.  He'd had no time to get used to it, to try
to build any kind of scar tissue over it.  He could see the disappointment
and hurt and anger in Graham's eye, the hints of disgust in his voice, the
angry line of his back as he walked away.  The latest rejection, it cut
the deepest, hurt the most.

He couldn't put a good face on it, couldn't pretend that it didn't touch
him.  Tears ran down his cheeks and he didn't try to stop them; at least
they obscured the face of the Cynon, leering down at him.  He let the
tears run freely and was grateful for the blindness that they brought.

Finally, the Cynon released its hold on his emotions.  The flood of
memories ceased, but the tears continued to come.  He twisted away
violently, facing the wall and wrapping his arms about himself tightly.
He drew in breath in huge gasps, fighting for control.  It was a hard-won
battle but he eventually repressed the tears and slowed his breathing back
down to normal.
  He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away the last of the tears.
 
He closed his eyes, trying to sort through all the information in his
head.  There were vampires in the northernmost cemetery, demons
encroaching on the east side neighborhoods, and some new demons in the
wood in the north.

Wait.  Xander could visualize the demons in the woods, could see them as
they infested an abandoned cabin.  He recognized them.  Relatives of
theirs had moved through Sunnydale three years ago.  Buffy had been
inclined to leave them be; they didn't bother humans but instead targeted
vampires, preferring to feast on dead flesh.  The Scoobies had only gotten
involved with the demons began to desecrate graves in search of more food.
 They were tough and nasty and they would swarm all over Spike the moment
they saw him, dragging him down by sheer weight of numbers and make him
their next meal..

Not looking at the Cynon, Xander walked out of the crypt and into the
sunshine.  The warmth of the day didn't touch him.  The knowledge of what
he had to do filled him, numbing him to everything else except his
purpose.  He didn't have a lot of time.  He was going to have to retrieve
a few weapons from a secret stash he kept near his parents' house.  During
the confusion of the Initiative's departure from Sunnydale, he'd managed
to appropriate several weapons for himself.  The just-in-case scenario
he'd half-imagined was finally occurring, so it was time to pull them out
of storage.

Before he did that, he was going to have to take care of a few personal
things.  He walked swiftly back to his apartment, keeping himself focused
on the task he had set for himself.  He eased into the apartment, careful
to stay quiet.  Morning was still barely beginning so Spike would still be
heavily asleep, but he didn't want to take any chances.

He made his way to his bedroom and reached under his bed, pulling out the
thick envelope he had hidden away.  He didn't like to think about the
envelope's contents, but he'd always known he was going to need them.  He
just hadn't expected it to be so soon.  He sat down on the bed and laid
the envelope down beside him.  He then opened up the drawer in his
nightstand and pulled out three sheets of paper and a pen.  Using the
envelope to bear down on, he quickly wrote three new letters.  He folded
two of them, addressing them with names and then slid them into the
envelope.  The third he folded and addressed, but he left it on his bed.

Xander stood and walked over to his closet, pulling out a pair of jeans
and a long sleeved shirt.  He needed old clothes, comfortable and tough.
He removed his clothes and pulled the ones he'd chosen on, taking comfort
in the familiarity of them against his skin.  He picked up the envelope
and glanced at the folder letter he'd left on the bed.  He hesitated for a
moment, but he really didn't have a better place to leave it.  He'd have
to just leave it there and hope for the best.

He knew he should just leave, take the envelope and get out, but he
couldn't resist the impulse to look in on Spike.  He crept over to the
second bedroom and eased the door open.  He peered in through the crack.
Spike lay beneath the sheets, the pale perfect muscles of his back and
shoulders revealed as he slept on his stomach, arms wrapped around the
pillow that he hugged to his chest.

Xander wanted to push the door open, to enter the room fully and stand
beside the bed.  He wanted to stroke his hands over the blond hair, to
feel the smooth muscles and inhale Spike's scent.  He wanted to kiss the
vampire again.  He wanted...but he couldn't have.  It was finally all
clear to him:  Spike had told him the night before that he didn't care
about Sunnydale or anyone in the town but Xander.  He was hanging around a
place he hated, tied there because Xander was never going to go anywhere
or accomplish anything.  He morbidly wondered which would be worse:
having Spike stay in Sunnydale and hate every moment of it and know that
he was responsible for the vampire's unhappiness, or having Spike leave
him behind when he could no longer resist the urge to move on?  Xander
didn't think he could face either possibility, so no matter how much he
wanted to see those depthless blue eyes again, he couldn't.  Waking Spike
up would ruin everything, so he forced himself to close the door and walk
away, walk out of the apartment and out onto the street.

He paused on the street corner, holding the envelope under one arm while
he fed quarters into the pay phone that stood there.  He dialed the number
he had gotten from Graham one night on patrol.  He felt his throat tighten
as he listened to the phone ring, terrified that no one would pick up,
terrified that some one would pick up.

After four rings, someone did pick up.  "Hello?"  Riley.

Xander cleared his throat.  "It's Xander."

"What do you want?"  Riley's tone immediately became cold.

"I need to meet with you."

"Why?  Are there some head games you and your vampire forgot to play?"

Xander closed his eyes.  "Riley..."  Arguing wouldn't do any good.  "I
need you to do something for me.  I know I shouldn't ask, but there's no
one else."

"What about Spike?  He seemed to be taking care of all your needs just
fine."

"Please.  There's no one else."

Riley sighed.  "What do you want?"

"Just meet me.  Now."

"Where?"

"In front of the Bronze."  It was a pretty neutral location and it was on
the way to his weapons cache.

"Fine."  Riley hung up without saying anything more.

Xander exhaled shakily, then hung up the phone and headed for the Bronze.
He glanced around the streets as he made his way there, remembering
everything that he'd experienced in Sunnydale.  The ice cream shop he'd
visited so often with Willow.  A music store he and Buffy had hung out in.
 The street corner where he'd almost died when set upon by vampires.  The
alley shortcut that he always took after being left behind once again...he
forced himself to concentrate on the present.  He had to get to the Bronze
in time.  There was no way Riley was going to wait around for him.

He made it just in time; Riley was standing beside his SUV, looking ready
to leave.  He didn't move when Xander came into sight.  He just continued
to lean back against the vehicle, arms crossed over his chest.  He stared
silently at Xander.

Xander walked up to him and held out the envelope.  "I'll keep this short.
 If you don't hear from me in a few days, could you please give this to
Giles?"

Riley made no move to take the envelope.  "Why can't your pet vampire do
it for you?"

If this all went wrong, Spike wasn't going to have any interest in doing
Xander any favors.  If by some miracle things when right, he still didn't
want to chance Spike finding the envelope; it would send the vampire out
looking for him and that was the last thing Xander wanted to happen.
Spike had to stay away from the woods until the demons were gone and he
was no longer in danger.  "Please, Riley."

"Fine."  Riley snatched the envelope, then opened up the door to his
vehicle.

Guess the conversation was over.  As Xander watched Riley drive away, he
realized how much he'd been hoping Graham would come.  He'd dreaded seeing
the blue-eyed man again, but it would have been nice to see him one last
time.  Judging by how much it hurt inside that he wasn't going to get that
chance, he'd been more than half in love with Graham.

Xander shook himself and looked at his watch.  That didn't matter now.  He
didn't have much time.  He still had to get to his weapons cache and out
to the woods, and he had to do it all during daylight hours if he wanted
to make sure that Spike didn't have a chance to interfere.  Swallowing
hard, he walked quickly northwards.

It was time to end this.

*****

Graham scrubbed his towel over his head, ruffling his hair as he wiped
away the water that clung to the strands after his shower.  He hadn't
slept well.
  Images of Xander had haunted him, keeping him awake as his mind had
replayed the events of the past night again and again:  Xander laughing up
at him as they walked through the cemetery; Xander closing his eyes and
leaning into Spike's touch as the vampire stroked his skin with his
tongue; Xander staring at him in misery and confusion.  He'd tossed and
turned for most of the night and was now hoping that a shower would help
to wake him up.

He walked into the living room and nodded at Riley, who was sitting on the
couch.  "Hey, Ri."  He tossed the towel back over his shoulder and headed
for the kitchen, wanting to grab something for breakfast.  He paused when
Riley didn't say anything in response and turned around.  "Ri?"

Riley looked up abruptly.  "Graham."

"Yeah, that would be me."  Graham walked back into the living room,
wondering what had Riley back down to the very basics of me, Riley, you,
Graham.  An envelope lay on the end table, the name 'Giles' written on it.
 "What's that?"

Riley rubbed his hand over his forehead.  "While you were in the bathroom
I got a phone call.  It was Xander."

Graham froze.  "What did he want?"

"He said he needed a favor and asked me to meet him.  He wouldn't explain
what was going on, so I decided to go."

"Without telling me."

"If it was going to be just another game, I didn't want you to get
involved."  Riley shrugged apologetically.  "I figured he'd be less able
to fuck with my head."

Fine.  Graham wasn't sure that he wanted to see Xander again, anyway.  He
didn't know if he wanted to see how much it would hurt to look at Xander
and know that everything that they'd shared together had been a lie.  "So
what's with the envelope?"

"Xander wants me to hold on to it for a few days."  Riley went back to
staring at the envelope, which had been distracting him when Graham walked
in.

Now Graham was distracted as well.  What was inside the envelope that was
so important that Xander was willing to ask Riley for help?  He sat down
beside Riley.  "It's not sealed."

"I noticed that."  Riley picked up the envelope.  "I'm wondering if the
contents could be a part of a larger security concern."

"There's only one way to find out."

"Our names aren't on it."

"It's not sealed.  Whose to know we took a peek?"

Good point.  Graham took the envelope and emptied its contents out onto
the coffee table.  The envelope was filled with smaller envelopes, also
unsealed.  Names labeled the envelopes:  'Buffy', 'Willow', 'Dawn',
'Tara', 'Mr. and Mrs. Harris', 'Anya', and a thicker one marked 'Giles'
once more.  Two folded sheets of paper caught his attention.  One was
marked with Riley's name, the other with his own.  Graham was reluctant to
pick up the one designated for him.  Did he really want to know what
Xander had to say?

Riley picked up his sheet of paper.  "This has my name on it.  That makes
it my business."  He unfolded it and began to read, with Graham staring
unabashedly over his shoulder.

//Riley-

I know you have no reason to want to hear anything from me, much less
advice, but I have to say this.

You have to talk to Buffy.  You can't leave things the way they are.  When
you left, there were a hundred things going on that distracted both of you
from the only thing that matters:  the way you feel about each other.  I
know you love her - I saw it in everything you did for her, in the way you
looked at her and talked about her.

You were wrong when you said that she didn't love you.  She didn't want to
lose you.  When she realized that you weren't going to come back, that the
fight was real and that it could be forever, something in her eyes died a
little.  She ran across town and made it to the field in time to watch you
leave.  She went really quiet after that.  You took an important part of
her with you.

Forget the orders that you're under.  Forget pride and hurt and
distractions.  You love each other.  People go their whole lives without
ever getting the chance to taste what you could have and keep forever.

Talk to her, man.  You're never going to get a chance like this again.//

It wasn't signed, but it sounded just like Xander.  Riley put the letter
down carefully, eyes still locked on the words scrawled across the page in
obvious haste.  Graham stared at him.  "Where did that come from?"

"I talked to Xander a few times, back when things with Buffy first started
to go wrong.  He was the one I could talk to then.  He probably knows more
about what happened to Buffy and me than I do."  Riley blinked and forced
himself to look away from the words that so distracted him.  He nodded
toward the sheet of paper waiting for Graham.  "Aren't you going to read
it?"

Graham reached out and picked up the letter.  "What could he have left to
say?"  He opened up the letter, angling the page so that Riley could see
it as well.

//Graham-

I don't know if you're even going to read this, but I need to say this,
need to know that I tried to let you know.

Thank you.  I know that you hate the fact that you wasted so much time on
me, but I still have to thank you for it.  You are an amazing guy and the
fact that you took any kind of interest in me...thank you.  Someday you're
going to find the person who can love you like you deserve, and he's is
going to be the luckiest man on the planet.

Thank you.  You showed me something I thought I'd never have a chance to
ever experience and no matter how it turned out, I can't regret it.//

Graham frowned down at the letter.  It didn't sound right.  It wasn't an
apology and it wasn't an angry rebuttal continuing the argument from the
other day.  "It's a good-bye."  He dropped the letter and grabbed the
envelope marked for Giles.

"What are you doing?" Riley asked.

"This letter was a good-bye.  So was yours.  Why is he writing good-bye
letters?"  He opened the letter to Giles, the fear inside him growing.

//Giles-

I'm sorry to be telling you the news like this, but there really isn't a
better way to do it.  If you're reading this, then I'm dead.  I'm telling
you because I need you to be the one to hold the others together.  Buffy
and Willow are both going to blame themselves and you're the only one who
is going to be able to make sure they don't.

This isn't anyone's fault but my own.  I walked into the situation with my
eyes open, knowing what could happen.

I know you're going to be upset, but I need you to do a few things for me.
 Could you please give these envelopes to the people they're for?  I've
also included my will in this letter to you.  I don't have much, but I do
know where I'd like it to go.

The second favor is going to be harder to do, I think.  I need you and
Buffy to watch out for Spike for me.  He is the reason that I actually
made it this far, lasted this long.  He had my back, risked his life for
me over and over and kept me alive.  You're going to laugh, but he turned
out to be a friend and I don't want anything to happen to him.

The only other thing I have to tell you is thank you.  Not for pulling the
answer to stopping the apocalypse out of the book no one else knew
existed, although that was always pretty cool.  I want to thank you for
showing me what a father, what a man is supposed to be like.  You've been
my guide for both and I'm sorry that I waited this long to tell you.  And
I guess I won't curl up and die of manly embarrassment if I write this
down - I love you.

Thank you, G-man.

Sorry.  I just had to get that in one last time!//

Graham dropped the letter.  "He's going to get himself killed."  He stood
up and walked back to the bedroom, pulling on boots and gearing up.

Riley followed him.  "And he was going to let me be the bearer of bad news
to Giles?  Great."  He grabbed boots and gear as well.  "Where do you
think he is?"

"I know who we should ask."  Graham felt the need to move jittering
through him, making him anxious to be moving.  He didn't know what Xander
had gotten himself into or if it might already be too late.

"Not Spike."  Riley's voice was firm as he moved toward the door.

"No."  Graham led the way to the car, opening up the driver's side door
and sliding in.  If Xander was going to get into something that he was
pretty sure was going to kill him, then there was no way Spike was
involved.  Graham had witnessed how protective the vampire was of Xander;
Spike would keep Xander alive at all costs.  Xander must have shut Spike
out and left him behind.

Graham drove to the cemetery with controlled haste.  Riley figured out
what he was thinking and was at his side the whole way to the crypt where
they'd seen Xander those weeks back, emerging from the shadows shaking and
pale.  This was where Xander got his information.  This was where they'd
find out where he'd gone.  "We're going to go in fast and hard, get what
we need and get out."

Riley nodded.  "Let's go."

Graham turned to move toward the crypt, but before he could even take a
step forward, he was knocked aside.  As he tried to catch himself, he
caught sight of a figure enveloped in a dark cloak and heard a stream of
curses as the figure blew past him.  Spike.  Graham followed the snarling
vampire into the crypt, Riley following close behind.

Spike threw off the protective covering he'd worn to ward off the sun and
lunged across the crypt, grabbing the blue demon within around the throat.
 "What the hell did you do to him?  Where is he?"  He punctuated his
demands by slamming the demon's head against the wall of the crypt.

Graham hurried forward and grabbed one of Spike's arms.  "Riley!  He'll
kill him!"  With Riley's help, he was able to drag the enraged vampire
away from the demon.  If Spike killed it, they'd never know what Xander
was planning.  They'd have no chance of saving him.

Spike struggled and swore, but Graham and Riley managed to hold him.  The
blue demon slumped against the wall of the crypt, staring at Spike with
alarm.  "Hey!" Graham called, getting the creature's attention.  "We're
not going to be able to hold him forever.  Tell us what we want to know,
or we let him go."  He kept his voice level, not allowing the fear and
urgency that filled him to show in away.  "Tell us where Xander is."

*****

Spike strained against the arms that held him immobile, but he held his
full strength in check.  He didn't want to get free, not right then.  He'd
heard the soldiers threaten the Cynon with his violence and he was willing
to play along.  He was willing to do whatever it took to find Xander.

He'd woken up to find Xander already gone.  A note on the kitchen counter
had told him that the dark-haired man was out running errands and that
he'd be back soon.  Spike had debated what to do while waiting; watch the
telly, read a magazine, prank call the Slayer?  He had decided that none
of them suited his mood.  He'd wanted to wake up and talk to Xander, make
sure the other man wasn't too torn up about what had happened the night
before.  He knew Xander was going to take it to heart, knew that the boy
was going to feel the rejection and the loss of Graham more than he
should.  Behind the laughing eyes, Xander hid a soul that felt too much,
too deeply.  He'd wanted to hold Xander and make sure that he was all
right, to tell him he was loved and to get those dark eyes to smile for
him once more.

If he couldn't be near Xander, then he could at least immerse himself in
the other man's presence.  He'd probably never be able to live it down if
anyone caught him at it, but he didn't care.  He wanted to be with Xander
and this was the next best thing.  He had pushed open the closed door to
Xander's bedroom, intending to spend time in the place that smelled and
felt the most like the mortal.  It was there that he'd found the letter
with his name on it, waiting for him on the bed.

//Spike-

No matter how I write this, I know I'm going to end up pissing you off.
I'm just going to beg you to read this all the way through before you do
anything, all right?

The first thing I have to tell you is thank you.  Thank you for keeping me
alive these past few weeks.  I would have been dead a dozen times over
without you there by my side.  Thank you for watching out for me in other,
smaller ways.  If I hadn't had you to talk to, I probably would have ended
up going out of my mind.  You helped me to hold it together.  You were a
friend when I needed one most.

The past few days have been something out of a secret dream for me.  Thank
you for giving me the chance to live it.  You let me feel things I never
thought I'd ever be able to, made me feel better and closer to love than I
ever have before...and that's as mushy as I'll get.  I'll spare you any
more sloppy feelings.

This is the hard part, the part that's going to piss you off.  If you've
found this letter, then I guess I didn't come back and there's a good
chance that I'm dead.  I have no right, but I need to ask a final favor of
you.  I need you to make sure that if I've been turned, that you make sure
that I don't rise again.  None of the others could handle having to stake
me.  You're the only one I can trust.  Please, Spike.

Xander//

Spike had dropped the letter and run to his room, pulling on his sun-cloak
as he'd left the apartment.  He didn't even know if he'd shut the door
behind himself and he couldn't bring himself to care.  Xander was out
there performing some noble, bullshit sacrifice and Spike wasn't going to
let it happen.  He'd gone straight to the one being that would know where
Xander had gone.  The Cynon.

The Cynon, who was currently cringing against the wall, stared at him with
healthy amount of fear.

"Where is Xander?"  Spike demanded.  "What did you send him up against?"

The blue-skinned demon straightened a little.  "I didn't send him
anywhere.  I merely gave him the information he desired.  What he did with
that information can hardly be construed as any fault of mine."

"I'll construe it any way I damn well please."  Spike lunged forward a bit
for effect.  "Start talking or start dying."

"He came to me and I told him what he wanted to know.  There are new
vampires hiding in the Serenity Acres cemetery, a clan of Blorten demons
moving through town on their southern migration path, and a few demons
hiding out in the woods near the abandoned south cabin."

"What demons are out in the woods?" asked Graham.

"A small group of Kladdersh."

Spike hissed.  That explained it.  Kladdersh demons were notoriously
nasty, even aside from their interest in vampires as snack food.  Xander
had gone after them alone to protect him.  Of all the stupid, suicidal,
whiteknight gestures...  "If anything's happened to him, I'm going to hunt
you down and make your dying last a month."

"Even if you find him in time, you may not save him."  The Cynon looked
from Spike to Graham and then back again.  "I tasted his emotions.  He is
torn by the feelings inside himself, convinced that the love he feels is
wrong, that it can only hurt him and the two of you.  He didn't leave here
dreading death.  He was looking forward to it."

"Motherfucker."  Graham released Spike and took a step forward.  "I should
kill you now."  No matter what the blue-eyed man might have tried to make
Xander believe, he still loved him.  It was there in the fear and the rage
that filled his voice and gaze.

"I didn't do that to him," the Cynon said.  "The credit belongs to you,
you and the situation and Xander's own delicious fears.  If you don't
realize that, you will gain nothing by saving him.  He'll just find
another way to escape, another way to die."

Spike glared at the Cynon.  He understood what the demon was saying, but
all that had to wait until Xander was safe.  "Pray to whatever it is that
you serve that Xander is still alive."  He shook Riley off and stalked out
of the crypt.  Behind him, he could hear Riley talking to Graham,
persuading the other man to follow.  When the two soldiers made it
outside, Spike was waiting for them.

He moved forward until he was right in Graham's face, staring up at the
taller man.  "You don't like me.  Fine.  I don't like you.  Right now, all
that means shit."

Graham nodded.  "Let's go get Xander."

Spike raised an eyebrow approvingly.  "Then let's get to your vehicle.  I
know where the cabin is."

Graham drove with barely controlled desperation at speeds that almost made
Spike nervous.  The same need that drove Graham was also pounding through
the vampire and the insane pace that Graham had set didn't seem to be
nearly fast enough.  The knowledge that Xander could be dying as they sped
to reach him made him wish that the cheesy legends about vampires being
able to fly were true.  When they finally got within a mile of the cabin,
Spike was out of the vehicle before it stopped moving.  Graham and Riley
took a moment to finish gearing up with weapons and then they were behind
him.

Spike held up his hand and listened to the wind.  "The Kladdersh are in
the woods.  I can hear them moving.  They don't like to be up during the
day, so something must have drawn them out of the cabin."

"Xander?" Graham asked.

"I can't hear him out here.  The Kladdersh are upset.  I don't know what
they're saying, but they sound pissed.  I think Xander pushed them out of
the cabin somehow and that they're planning to take it back."  He stared
off into the woods.  The Kladdersh were angry and they wouldn't welcome a
pair of humans into their territory.  He, on the other hand, would be
welcome.  Snacks were always welcome.

"We go hard, we go fast, and we get to the cabin."  Graham's voice was
firm.
  "Then we get Xander the hell out of there."

Spike grinned savagely as he took in the blood-thirsty determination on
the soldier's face.  "Let's go."

Luck was with them:  the Kladdersh were so focused on muttering about
whatever had happened at the cabin that they didn't even notice the three
men moving through the woods.  Spike made sure they stayed well away from
the Kladdersh.  He didn't fancy ending up an appetizer before he got the
chance to shake Xander's teeth loose for coming up with a plan like this.

Once they reached the clearing that surrounded the ramshackle cabin, Spike
broke into a run, knowing that Riley and Graham would be right behind him.
 He lunged through the door, the sound of Xander's rapid heartbeat filling
his ears.  "Xander!  Where the hell are you?"

"Spike?"  Xander voice, weary and surprised, drifted down from the upper
floor.

Graham was closer to the staircase, so he was the first one up the stairs.
 Spike followed him closely, managing to push past Riley.  He and Graham
ran to the first room on the right of the hall.

Xander stood in the middle of the room, frowning.  "What the hell are you
guys doing here?"  His face was streaked with dust and sweat and he swayed
a little as he stared at them.  Discarded weapons surrounded him and an
empty duffel bag was tossed into a far corner.

"What the hell are we doing?" Spike parroted back, tearing off his
protective sun cloak.  "You're the one on the suicide mission, pet."

"How did...I don't know what you're talking about."  Xander looked out the
window.  "Listen, there are Kladdersh out there, Spike.  I can handle
this.  You'd better just get out of here.  Riley, Gr-graham, this isn't
your fight.
  You shouldn't be here."

"You can handle this?"  Graham shook his head.  "Xander, there are demons
out in the woods working themselves up to come back here and take their
house back.  You're not going to be able to beat that."

"They're coming back?"  Xander didn't look dismayed by that; instead, a
little more life appeared in his eyes and he stood up straighter.  "Then
you definitely need to get out of here.  I've got this under control.
I've got a plan."

Spike shook his head.  Whatever plan Xander had wasn't going to happen.
It no doubt ended with the demons being taken care of, but without Xander
walking away.  It was obvious:  from the resigned slump to his shoulders
to the way Xander refused to meet anyone's gaze, it was clear that Xander
had given up.  "It won't wash, luv.  We're not leaving you behind.  You're
coming with us."

Xander did look at Spike then.  A bitter smile twisted his lips.  "I'm not
going anywhere.  And you have -" he checked his watch "-two minutes to get
out of here."

"Why two minutes?" Riley asked.

Spike felt a frisson of real fear.  He'd heard stories about Xander, knew
that the other man was willing to do what ever it took to protect his
friends.  He could be as ruthless as an alpha protecting his pack.  In the
past, he'd relied on pilfered napalm and..."Explosives."

"Those, too," Xander agreed.  "The two minutes is actually how long I
think you have before the Kladdersh decide to rush the house and you'll
either be killed by them or trapped in here.  Being trapped would be bad
because the explosives are set to go off in four minutes."  He looked back
at his watch.
  "Three minutes now.  I'd suggest running."

"Not without you," Graham said.

"This really isn't any of your business.  Spike, don't forget to take that
cloak with you."  He swallowed hard and looked at his watch.  "One minute
till they come back."

Spike met Graham's gaze.  He read exactly what he wanted to see in the
soldier's eyes.  "Right then," he said quietly.  He bent down to pick up
his cloak and pulled it on.  "Are you sure you can handle this, luv?" he
asked as he settled it into place.

"You need to get out of here," Xander insisted.  "And I'm going to be
fine."
  His voice broke.

Spike nodded once, then lunged forward and grabbed Xander, tossing the
taller man up over his shoulder and running for the door.  Xander cried
out a protest and began to struggle immediately, but Spike just tightened
his hold on him and continued to run down the stairs, Riley and Graham's
footsteps a heavy echo just behind him.  As he cleared the front door, he
saw that the Kladdersh demons were finally staging an effort to retake the
house.  He turned quickly.  "Give me some cover fire and then follow me
out the back!" he ordered.  This could work.  If the Kladdersh followed
them into the house...

Graham and Riley please him by understanding exactly what he was thinking.
 A brief burst of gunfire behind him told him that the Kladdersh would be
delayed, and then he was out the back door and down the rickety stairs.
Xander fought to get free of his hold, but Spike ignored the warning
twinges from the chip and just held him tighter, refusing to let him go.
He heard the two humans get out of the house and then he was running,
trying to outpace whatever explosives Xander had rigged.

They almost made it.

A terrific concussion of sound and force knocked Spike to his knees.  Time
seemed to slow down as he attempted to react.  He tried to gentle Xander's
fall, but the dark-haired man still slammed into the ground hard.  Spike
tried to cover Xander's body with his own, but Xander was writhing like a
man possessed, yelling about shrapnel.  Spike understood there would be
shrapnel - that's why he wanted to make sure Xander was protected.  Xander
pulled one of his arms free and smashed his elbow into Spike's face.  The
pain caused Spike to flinch and that was all the opportunity Xander
needed.  He squirmed free...

...only to roll on top of Spike and pin the vampire to the ground.  Spike
realized dimly that Xander wasn't trying to get away.  It took a few
moments more for full understanding to penetrate the pain in his head:
Xander was shielding *him*.  Before Spike could react, debris began to
rain down on them:  parts of the cabin and parts of the Kladdersh fell
indiscriminately from the sky.  After a few seconds it was over.

Spike pushed Xander off to the side.  "What the hell did you think you
were doing?" he demanded, adjusting his hood to better shield his face.

Xander didn't answer.  His eyes were closed and he made no moved to get
up.

"Xan?"  Spike touched his throat gently, searching for a heartbeat.  It
was there, slow and regular.

"How is he?" Graham demanded, kneeling on the other side of Xander.
Kladdersh innards stained one side of his pants and splinters of wood were
caught in his hair.

Splinters.  Xander had been trying to protect him from the wood.  "The
bloody noble bastard's out cold."  He gently pushed up Xander's shirt,
hissing a little as the sight of the bruising.  "He probably got hurt
getting into the house."

"Add that to the blast and no wonder he's out.  He might have even gotten
knocked over the head by some debris."  Graham reached out and brushed
some dust from Xander's hair.  "He needs to be taken care of."

"I'll take him back to his place.  I can watch him there."  Spike readied
himself for a fight.  Either Graham was going to want to take the boy to a
hospital or he was going to try to take Xander home himself.  He had to
realize how big a mistake he'd made in letting Xander go.

"I'm coming with you."

Spike blinked.  "To Xander's?"

"Yeah.  Ri, can you go back to base and cover for me there?"

Riley nodded.  "Are you sure?"

"I need to do this.  I'll be in contact soon."  Graham pulled a few more
splinters out of Xander's hair, then scooped the unconscious man into his
arms.

"I can take him," Spike protested, but not very hard.  There was something
in the way that Graham was looking at him, something in his gaze that
looked like acceptance and maybe even anticipation.

"I got him.  Just make sure nothing eats us on the way back to the car."

With Riley taking point and Spike bringing up the rear, they left the
smoking remains of the cabin and headed for the SUV.  Even as he cast an
admiring glance at the wreckage - the dark-eyed man knew how to place
explosives - Spike knew that things were nowhere near over yet.  Xander's
attempt at suicide by combat had to be dealt with, as did his relationship
with Spike and that with Graham.  They couldn't let things go or walk away
any longer.  Beyond that, there was that new look in Graham's eyes to deal
with.

Spike had a suspicion that things were about to get very interesting.
 

*****
 

Spike strained against the arms that held him immobile, but he held his
full strength in check.  He didn't want to get free, not right then.  He'd
heard the soldiers threaten the Cynon with his violence and he was willing
to play along.  He was willing to do whatever it took to find Xander.

He'd woken up to find Xander already gone.  A note on the kitchen counter
had told him that the dark-haired man was out running errands and that
he'd be back soon.  Spike had debated what to do while waiting; watch the
telly, read a magazine, prank call the Slayer?  He had decided that none
of them suited his mood.  He'd wanted to wake up and talk to Xander, make
sure the other man wasn't too torn up about what had happened the night
before.  He knew Xander was going to take it to heart, knew that the boy
was going to feel the rejection and the loss of Graham more than he
should.  Behind the laughing eyes, Xander hid a soul that felt too much,
too deeply.  He'd wanted to hold Xander and make sure that he was all
right, to tell him he was loved and to get those dark eyes to smile for
him once more.

If he couldn't be near Xander, then he could at least immerse himself in
the other man's presence.  He'd probably never be able to live it down if
anyone caught him at it, but he didn't care.  He wanted to be with Xander
and this was the next best thing.  He had pushed open the closed door to
Xander's bedroom, intending to spend time in the place that smelled and
felt the most like the mortal.  It was there that he'd found the letter
with his name on it, waiting for him on the bed.

//Spike-

No matter how I write this, I know I'm going to end up pissing you off.
I'm just going to beg you to read this all the way through before you do
anything, all right?

The first thing I have to tell you is thank you.  Thank you for keeping me
alive these past few weeks.  I would have been dead a dozen times over
without you there by my side.  Thank you for watching out for me in other,
smaller ways.  If I hadn't had you to talk to, I probably would have ended
up going out of my mind.  You helped me to hold it together.  You were a
friend when I needed one most.

The past few days have been something out of a secret dream for me.  Thank
you for giving me the chance to live it.  You let me feel things I never
thought I'd ever be able to, made me feel better and closer to love than I
ever have before...and that's as mushy as I'll get.  I'll spare you any
more sloppy feelings.

This is the hard part, the part that's going to piss you off.  If you've
found this letter, then I guess I didn't come back and there's a good
chance that I'm dead.  I have no right, but I need to ask a final favor of
you.  I need you to make sure that if I've been turned, that you make sure
that I don't rise again.  None of the others could handle having to stake
me.  You're the only one I can trust.  Please, Spike.

Xander//

Spike had dropped the letter and run to his room, pulling on his sun-cloak
as he'd left the apartment.  He didn't even know if he'd shut the door
behind himself and he couldn't bring himself to care.  Xander was out
there performing some noble, bullshit sacrifice and Spike wasn't going to
let it happen.  He'd gone straight to the one being that would know where
Xander had gone.  The Cynon.

The Cynon, who was currently cringing against the wall, stared at him with
healthy amount of fear.

"Where is Xander?"  Spike demanded.  "What did you send him up against?"

The blue-skinned demon straightened a little.  "I didn't send him
anywhere.  I merely gave him the information he desired.  What he did with
that information can hardly be construed as any fault of mine."

"I'll construe it any way I damn well please."  Spike lunged forward a bit
for effect.  "Start talking or start dying."

"He came to me and I told him what he wanted to know.  There are new
vampires hiding in the Serenity Acres cemetery, a clan of Blorten demons
moving through town on their southern migration path, and a few demons
hiding out in the woods near the abandoned south cabin."

"What demons are out in the woods?" asked Graham.

"A small group of Kladdersh."

Spike hissed.  That explained it.  Kladdersh demons were notoriously
nasty, even aside from their interest in vampires as snack food.  Xander
had gone after them alone to protect him.  Of all the stupid, suicidal,
whiteknight gestures...  "If anything's happened to him, I'm going to hunt
you down and make your dying last a month."

"Even if you find him in time, you may not save him."  The Cynon looked
from Spike to Graham and then back again.  "I tasted his emotions.  He is
torn by the feelings inside himself, convinced that the love he feels is
wrong, that it can only hurt him and the two of you.  He didn't leave here
dreading death.  He was looking forward to it."

"Motherfucker."  Graham released Spike and took a step forward.  "I should
kill you now."  No matter what the blue-eyed man might have tried to make
Xander believe, he still loved him.  It was there in the fear and the rage
that filled his voice and gaze.

"I didn't do that to him," the Cynon said.  "The credit belongs to you,
you and the situation and Xander's own delicious fears.  If you don't
realize that, you will gain nothing by saving him.  He'll just find
another way to escape, another way to die."

Spike glared at the Cynon.  He understood what the demon was saying, but
all that had to wait until Xander was safe.  "Pray to whatever it is that
you serve that Xander is still alive."  He shook Riley off and stalked out
of the crypt.  Behind him, he could hear Riley talking to Graham,
persuading the other man to follow.  When the two soldiers made it
outside, Spike was waiting for them.

He moved forward until he was right in Graham's face, staring up at the
taller man.  "You don't like me.  Fine.  I don't like you.  Right now, all
that means shit."

Graham nodded.  "Let's go get Xander."

Spike raised an eyebrow approvingly.  "Then let's get to your vehicle.  I
know where the cabin is."

Graham drove with barely controlled desperation at speeds that almost made
Spike nervous.  The same need that drove Graham was also pounding through
the vampire and the insane pace that Graham had set didn't seem to be
nearly fast enough.  The knowledge that Xander could be dying as they sped
to reach him made him wish that the cheesy legends about vampires being
able to fly were true.  When they finally got within a mile of the cabin,
Spike was out of the vehicle before it stopped moving.  Graham and Riley
took a moment to finish gearing up with weapons and then they were behind
him.

Spike held up his hand and listened to the wind.  "The Kladdersh are in
the woods.  I can hear them moving.  They don't like to be up during the
day, so something must have drawn them out of the cabin."

"Xander?" Graham asked.

"I can't hear him out here.  The Kladdersh are upset.  I don't know what
they're saying, but they sound pissed.  I think Xander pushed them out of
the cabin somehow and that they're planning to take it back."  He stared
off into the woods.  The Kladdersh were angry and they wouldn't welcome a
pair of humans into their territory.  He, on the other hand, would be
welcome.  Snacks were always welcome.

"We go hard, we go fast, and we get to the cabin."  Graham's voice was
firm.
  "Then we get Xander the hell out of there."

Spike grinned savagely as he took in the blood-thirsty determination on
the soldier's face.  "Let's go."

Luck was with them:  the Kladdersh were so focused on muttering about
whatever had happened at the cabin that they didn't even notice the three
men moving through the woods.  Spike made sure they stayed well away from
the Kladdersh.  He didn't fancy ending up an appetizer before he got the
chance to shake Xander's teeth loose for coming up with a plan like this.

Once they reached the clearing that surrounded the ramshackle cabin, Spike
broke into a run, knowing that Riley and Graham would be right behind him.
 He lunged through the door, the sound of Xander's rapid heartbeat filling
his ears.  "Xander!  Where the hell are you?"

"Spike?"  Xander voice, weary and surprised, drifted down from the upper
floor.

Graham was closer to the staircase, so he was the first one up the stairs.
 Spike followed him closely, managing to push past Riley.  He and Graham
ran to the first room on the right of the hall.

Xander stood in the middle of the room, frowning.  "What the hell are you
guys doing here?"  His face was streaked with dust and sweat and he swayed
a little as he stared at them.  Discarded weapons surrounded him and an
empty duffel bag was tossed into a far corner.

"What the hell are we doing?" Spike parroted back, tearing off his
protective sun cloak.  "You're the one on the suicide mission, pet."

"How did...I don't know what you're talking about."  Xander looked out the
window.  "Listen, there are Kladdersh out there, Spike.  I can handle
this.  You'd better just get out of here.  Riley, Gr-graham, this isn't
your fight.
  You shouldn't be here."

"You can handle this?"  Graham shook his head.  "Xander, there are demons
out in the woods working themselves up to come back here and take their
house back.  You're not going to be able to beat that."

"They're coming back?"  Xander didn't look dismayed by that; instead, a
little more life appeared in his eyes and he stood up straighter.  "Then
you definitely need to get out of here.  I've got this under control.
I've got a plan."

Spike shook his head.  Whatever plan Xander had wasn't going to happen.
It no doubt ended with the demons being taken care of, but without Xander
walking away.  It was obvious:  from the resigned slump to his shoulders
to the way Xander refused to meet anyone's gaze, it was clear that Xander
had given up.  "It won't wash, luv.  We're not leaving you behind.  You're
coming with us."

Xander did look at Spike then.  A bitter smile twisted his lips.  "I'm not
going anywhere.  And you have -" he checked his watch "-two minutes to get
out of here."

"Why two minutes?" Riley asked.

Spike felt a frisson of real fear.  He'd heard stories about Xander, knew
that the other man was willing to do what ever it took to protect his
friends.  He could be as ruthless as an alpha protecting his pack.  In the
past, he'd relied on pilfered napalm and..."Explosives."

"Those, too," Xander agreed.  "The two minutes is actually how long I
think you have before the Kladdersh decide to rush the house and you'll
either be killed by them or trapped in here.  Being trapped would be bad
because the explosives are set to go off in four minutes."  He looked back
at his watch.
  "Three minutes now.  I'd suggest running."

"Not without you," Graham said.

"This really isn't any of your business.  Spike, don't forget to take that
cloak with you."  He swallowed hard and looked at his watch.  "One minute
till they come back."

Spike met Graham's gaze.  He read exactly what he wanted to see in the
soldier's eyes.  "Right then," he said quietly.  He bent down to pick up
his cloak and pulled it on.  "Are you sure you can handle this, luv?" he
asked as he settled it into place.

"You need to get out of here," Xander insisted.  "And I'm going to be
fine."
  His voice broke.

Spike nodded once, then lunged forward and grabbed Xander, tossing the
taller man up over his shoulder and running for the door.  Xander cried
out a protest and began to struggle immediately, but Spike just tightened
his hold on him and continued to run down the stairs, Riley and Graham's
footsteps a heavy echo just behind him.  As he cleared the front door, he
saw that the Kladdersh demons were finally staging an effort to retake the
house.  He turned quickly.  "Give me some cover fire and then follow me
out the back!" he ordered.  This could work.  If the Kladdersh followed
them into the house...

Graham and Riley please him by understanding exactly what he was thinking.
 A brief burst of gunfire behind him told him that the Kladdersh would be
delayed, and then he was out the back door and down the rickety stairs.
Xander fought to get free of his hold, but Spike ignored the warning
twinges from the chip and just held him tighter, refusing to let him go.
He heard the two humans get out of the house and then he was running,
trying to outpace whatever explosives Xander had rigged.

They almost made it.

A terrific concussion of sound and force knocked Spike to his knees.  Time
seemed to slow down as he attempted to react.  He tried to gentle Xander's
fall, but the dark-haired man still slammed into the ground hard.  Spike
tried to cover Xander's body with his own, but Xander was writhing like a
man possessed, yelling about shrapnel.  Spike understood there would be
shrapnel - that's why he wanted to make sure Xander was protected.  Xander
pulled one of his arms free and smashed his elbow into Spike's face.  The
pain caused Spike to flinch and that was all the opportunity Xander
needed.  He squirmed free...

...only to roll on top of Spike and pin the vampire to the ground.  Spike
realized dimly that Xander wasn't trying to get away.  It took a few
moments more for full understanding to penetrate the pain in his head:
Xander was shielding *him*.  Before Spike could react, debris began to
rain down on them:  parts of the cabin and parts of the Kladdersh fell
indiscriminately from the sky.  After a few seconds it was over.

Spike pushed Xander off to the side.  "What the hell did you think you
were doing?" he demanded, adjusting his hood to better shield his face.

Xander didn't answer.  His eyes were closed and he made no moved to get
up.

"Xan?"  Spike touched his throat gently, searching for a heartbeat.  It
was there, slow and regular.

"How is he?" Graham demanded, kneeling on the other side of Xander.
Kladdersh innards stained one side of his pants and splinters of wood were
caught in his hair.

Splinters.  Xander had been trying to protect him from the wood.  "The
bloody noble bastard's out cold."  He gently pushed up Xander's shirt,
hissing a little as the sight of the bruising.  "He probably got hurt
getting into the house."

"Add that to the blast and no wonder he's out.  He might have even gotten
knocked over the head by some debris."  Graham reached out and brushed
some dust from Xander's hair.  "He needs to be taken care of."

"I'll take him back to his place.  I can watch him there."  Spike readied
himself for a fight.  Either Graham was going to want to take the boy to a
hospital or he was going to try to take Xander home himself.  He had to
realize how big a mistake he'd made in letting Xander go.

"I'm coming with you."

Spike blinked.  "To Xander's?"

"Yeah.  Ri, can you go back to base and cover for me there?"

Riley nodded.  "Are you sure?"

"I need to do this.  I'll be in contact soon."  Graham pulled a few more
splinters out of Xander's hair, then scooped the unconscious man into his
arms.

"I can take him," Spike protested, but not very hard.  There was something
in the way that Graham was looking at him, something in his gaze that
looked like acceptance and maybe even anticipation.

"I got him.  Just make sure nothing eats us on the way back to the car."

With Riley taking point and Spike bringing up the rear, they left the
smoking remains of the cabin and headed for the SUV.  Even as he cast an
admiring glance at the wreckage - the dark-eyed man knew how to place
explosives - Spike knew that things were nowhere near over yet.  Xander's
attempt at suicide by combat had to be dealt with, as did his relationship
with Spike and that with Graham.  They couldn't let things go or walk away
any longer.  Beyond that, there was that new look in Graham's eyes to deal
with.

Spike had a suspicion that things were about to get very interesting.

*****
 

Xander rolled over and hissed as his head protested the movement.  The
pain roused him out of sleep and he opened his eyes slowly.  As he opened
his eyes, he frowned in puzzlement.  He was in his room.  Why?  He'd set
out to wipe out the Kladdersh demons and he'd held no illusions about his
chances of survival.

Memory slowly returned to him.  He'd gathered up the supplies he'd wanted,
then headed over to a crypt that was housing a half-dozen vampires.  Old
enough so that they knew him to be a friend of the Slayer, he'd woken them
up and stood in the sunlight taunting them.  He'd called them stupid and
unimaginative, laughing at them for being held prisoner by sunlight when
it was so easy to cover up and walk about free.  A conveniently placed
pile of tarps guaranteed that the vampires would grab them and try out the
idea he'd just handed to them.  They had chased him, just as he had been
sure they would.  He'd counted on the tarps to slow them down as they
avoided the sun as best they could.  Xander had led the angry vampires to
the cabin the Kladdersh had moved into.  The Kladdersh had been drawn
outside by the noise and the promise of a mid-day snack.

Everything had gone perfectly to plan.  The Kladdersh went outside and ate
the vampires, and while they were occupied Xander was able to take over
the house, driving the demons away with bursts of gunfire.  When the
Kladdersh had retreated to the woods, Xander had placed the explosives and
retreated to the upper floor, waiting for the Kladdersh to return.
Waiting for the end.

His eyes widened as he remembered how things had actually turned out.  The
last thing he could remember was fear pouring through his veins at the
thought that Spike would be skewered by a chunk of wooden debris and end
up dusted.  He couldn't remember much after that thought.  He was pretty
sure the pounding in his head signaled that some piece of wood had caught
him upside the head.

He felt some of the fear return.  What had happened to Spike?  What had
happened to Graham?  Someone must have made it out all right, since he'd
gotten back to his bedroom, but they could have been injured.  God, what
if they'd been hurt because of him?

He dragged himself to his feet, groaning as the throbbing in his head
intensified a thousendfold.  The world swirled around him in sickening
spirals and he had to close his eyes and swallow hard to fight down the
nausea.  After a few deep breaths, he walked to the doorway, moving slowly
to compensate for his aching head.  Just before he could grasp the door
handle, the door to his bedroom swung open.

Graham stared at him.  "You're awake!"  He turned and called over his
shoulder, "He's awake," then turned back to face Xander.  "How are you
feeling?"

"I..."  Xander's words were washed away by another wave of nausea and he
raised one of his hands to his aching head.

"You shouldn't be out of bed," Graham scolded.  "Come on, back in you go."

A warm arm slid around Xander's waist and guided him back to the bed.
Xander went along with it; it was get back into bed or collapse on the
floor.  The bed was softer.  He watched in confusion as Graham arranged
the blankets on top of him.  "What's going on?"

"How much do you remember?"  There was poorly concealed anxiety in
Graham's gaze.

"Everything up to the point where my head got hit with a chunk of the
house.
  I think it was a part of the house."

"It was.  You were out cold, so we brought you back here.  Another hour of
you not waking up and I was going to drag you to the hospital."

"You're all right?"  Xander looked the other man over carefully.  He
couldn't see any signs of injury.

"I'm fine," Graham promised.

Xander nodded vaguely.  He wasn't sure if he was glad to be awake or not.
He'd had it all planned so perfectly; he was going to solve the problem of
the Kladdersh and all of his own problems at once.  What was Graham doing
here now?  The soldier didn't want to have anything to do with him, so why
had he saved Xander's life?  Why was he playing concerned nurse?

Xander's muddled thoughts brought another worry to his attention.
"Where's Spike?" he asked, sitting bolt upright.  He immediately regretted
it as his head began to pound, but he did his best to ignore the pain.
"Was he hurt?"

"I'm fine."  Spike was there at the other side of the bed, putting
something on the nightstand before gently easing Xander back down onto the
mattress.  "Don't do that to yourself, pet.  The worst any of us got was a
bit of dust and splinters in the hair.  You're the only one that got
hurt."  His expression darkened.  "You're the only one who went off on his
own looking for a fight he couldn't possibly win."

Xander turned his face away, but that just left him facing Graham.  There
was nowhere he could escape to:  any way he turned, he was going to be
faced with a man he had betrayed.  He couldn't figure out why they were
there:  how could they still care after what he'd done to them?  He tried
to burrow underneath his pillow and failed miserably to suppress the cry
of pain the motion produced.

The pillows were lifted away from his head and hands gripped his shoulders
and pulled with steady insistence until he rolled back over onto his back.
 He kept his eyes stubbornly closed for a moment, then sighed and opened
them.  He deserved whatever they had to say to him.  Maybe after they were
done yelling they'd leave and he'd be able to figure out what he was going
to do next.

The explosives hadn't worked.  He was going to have to try something else.

Graham reached out and touched his temple carefully.  "How bad's your
head?"

Xander blinked.  Maybe his head injury was worse than he'd thought.
Graham wasn't mad; he was worried.  "I can handle it."

"Drink this, luv."  Spike held a glass of juice out to him.

Xander took the glass and drank from it mechanically.  Spike's anger was
gone; only the barest hints of it remained in the tight set of his
shoulders and the crease between his eyebrows.  Xander couldn't figure out
what they were waiting for.  Did they want to make sure that he was all
right and completely aware before laying into him?  He reached over toward
the night stand, intending to put down his glass, but Spike took it and
did it for him.

That was it.  Now that the glass was gone, it was going to come.  The
final recriminations and then they'd both walk away from him, leaving him
alone.  He blinked hard and waited for it to start.

Spike reached out and laid his hand on Xander's chest, right over his
heart.
  "You had a nasty knock to the head, but you're going to be all right.
  The
headache will pass and you'll be fine."  On Xander's other side, Graham
nodded his agreement.

Xander couldn't take anymore.  He had no idea what was going on and he
couldn't just lay there and wonder when they were going to walk away.
"What's going on?" he asked.

"I explained that to you," Graham said, a worried frown creasing his brow.
 "You said you remembered everything up until you were knocked out."

"What's going on now?"  Xander knew that as soon as he pushed this Graham
was going to walk away and he was never going to see him again, that Spike
would finally release his hold on his anger and then the vampire would be
gone as well.  "Why are you here?  Why are you acting like you care," he
looked over at Spike, "and why are you hiding the fact that you're so
pissed you're cursing the chip because you can't smash my face in?"

Spike's hand bunched into a fist, rumpling the material of Xander's shirt.
 "I'm pissed because you didn't wait for me.  You went off on your own and
damn near got yourself killed because-"

"Enough."  Graham's single quiet word silenced Spike.  As the vampire
contritely smoothed out the wrinkles in Xander's shirt, Graham held
Xander's gaze.  "I'm here because I almost lost you.  Forever, I mean.
You almost died and I had to think about what life would be like if there
was never any possibility that I'd ever see you again.  Thinking about
that made everything clear:  I couldn't let you die, couldn't let you
leave my life forever.  That's why I came after you."  Graham reached out
and placed one hand over Xander's.  "Riley and I opened your letter to
Giles.  That's how we found out and as soon as I realized what was
happening I was out the door and looking for the blue demon."

"I found my letter early," Spike said, moving his hand in soothing circles
over Xander's chest.  "Soon as I figured out you were up to something, I
went after the Cynon.  Ran into Graham and Riley at the crypt and then we
all went looking for you.  You know what happened when we found you."

Xander thought he knew what they were trying to say, but he couldn't
accept it.  He must be misunderstanding them, letting useless hope twist
their words.  "But why are you still here?" he asked plaintively, needing
them to make it plain so his stupid heart would let him hear the truth
instead of his own foolish dreams.

"We're here for the same reason that you went after the Kladdersh on your
own instead of taking Spike," Graham said.  "Love."  He leaned forward and
pressed his lips gently to Xander's in a sweet kiss.  He sat back after a
moment, barely giving Xander a chance to respond, but continued to hold
Xander's hand between both of his own.

"Exactly," Spike agreed.  "Love."  He moved forward and bent his head,
covering Xander's lips with his own.

Xander responded to Spike's kiss, wanting more of the gentle caress.  It
was amazing - Graham and Spike were both there, they were safe and they
still cared about him and they weren't fighting or anything.  It was
unbelievable and perfect and all he'd ever wanted.

Xander twisted away from Spike and tore his hand from Graham's grasp.
"No," he said, shaking his head.

"Xan, what's wrong?"  Graham reached for him again.

Shrinking away from the touch, Xander looked back and forth between the
two men staring down at him.  "Everything," he answered.  "Everything is
wrong.  This isn't right.  Neither of you want this.  You're just
over-reacting because you thought I was going to die.  This isn't fair to
either of you."

"Xan-" Spike tried to speak, but Xander didn't give him a chance.

"No!  You don't want this.  You're just putting up with it because you're
scared.  But as soon as you get over that, you're going to realize that
you're stuck in a situation that you hate because I'm too weak to make up
my mind."  Xander closed his eyes.  "Just stop and get out of here now,
both of you."  It would tear him apart when they left, but better it
happen now then later.  Losing them now would be nothing compared to what
he would feel when they figured out that they couldn't live with him
loving both of them.  Right now they were willing to put up with his
fucked up heart, but how long could that last?  When they recovered from
the fear of nearly losing him, they'd walk away and leave him and he
didn't want to feel that, couldn't stand even contemplating it.

"No."  A single word spoken by two voices.

Xander opened his eyes.  "Go," he said.  "I don't want you here."

"Shame about that," Spike said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Because there's nowhere else I want to be."

Graham sat down on the other side of the bed.  "I feel the same way,
Xander.
  I'm not going anywhere.  We're going to find a way to work this out."

Xander shook his head stubbornly.  "You're both crazy."

"Probably," Spike agreed.  "But we'll worry about that later, too.  Right
now, you're going to finish this juice and sleep."  He picked up the glass
and held it out to Xander.

Xander didn't want to take it, didn't want to take anything from either of
them at that point, but his mouth was dry and the glass was half-full so
he snatched it anyway.  He drank it quickly and shoved the glass back at
Spike.
  If the vampire was going to make him drink it, the vampire could also
  pick
up after him.

Spike took the glass and placed it back on the night stand.  "Get some
rest, and when you wake up I'll give you something to deal with the
headache."  He reached for Xander and ignored his resistance, pulling him
into a tight embrace.  "Almost lost you, luv," the vampire murmured.
"Don't think I've ever been so scared."  He turned his face and kissed
Xander's neck, his jaw, his cheekbone.  He leaned back and stared into
Xander's eyes.  "We're going to make things all right again, Xander.  I
promise you that."  A brief kiss to his lips and then Spike released him
and stood up.

Before Xander had a chance to react to Spike's actions, Graham was there,
one hand brushing over the top of Xander's hair and the other sliding
around his waist, pulling him into another hug.  He nuzzled at Xander's
ear for a moment before whispering, "I felt something inside me start to
curl up and die when I realized that I might not ever see you again.  I
know what's important now, Xander.  It was almost too high a price, but I
know now.  I'm staying here and we're going to make things right.  I swear
we will."  He brushed a kiss against the corner of Xander's mouth and
stood as well.  "We'll talk when you wake up."

Xander sank deeper into the mattress as weariness tugged at him.  He
wanted to believe them, wanted so badly to trust in their voices and their
touches and the way they held his gaze as though he was the only thing in
the world that mattered.  As he gave into sleep, Xander decided to believe
for a little while.  It couldn't hurt to pretend for a few moments that
everything would work out.  The last thing he was aware of as he drifted
off was the sight of two men hovering at his bedside as though to stand
sentry for him even in his dreams.

****************************************************

Part 3