Title: Unhappy Drabbles - Nightmares in Common
Feedback: Do you really want to see me beg?
Archive: Hey, just ask first <g>
Series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the characters of the show don't
belong to me in anyway whatsoever. I'm not that lucky. This story is
written for enjoyment, not for profit. Again, I'm not that lucky.
Litigation would be a waste of time, people. I'm a member of the Starving
Student Sect. Summery: Spike finds he and Xander have something in
common. Warnings: Um, spoilers for the current season, and the
characters’ situations in it. Bad language in some parts of this. Note:
When I get to be in a rotton mood, I tend to take it out on the characters
I write about. Poor Xander and Spike got caught up in my latest mean
streak. These drabbles weren’t written in any particular order, so I put
them it what seems to be the right order when I typed it up. Lo and
behold, a story evolved.
It began quietly At first, it was no more than a few breathy exhalations,
hardly sounds at all, accompanied by a few spastic movements, jerkings of
arms and legs.
Spike’s vampiric hearing caught the muted noise, and he shifted in his
chair in the basement. Leaning forward against the ropes binding him, an
anticipatory grin stretched his lips. Looked like the show was about to
begin. His eyes roamed greedily over the young man lying in the bed, and
he inhaled the heady aroma of fear and anguish rising from the sweat that
was beginning to coat the trembling limbs.
The moans grew louder, movements more violent, as the young man sank
deeper into the dreams, the nightmares, that gripped him. Soon those
moans became words.
“Noooo...” This last a despairing wail that went on and on.
Licking his lips, Spike scooted his chair closer. He didn’t worry about
waking Xander; when the boy began this litany of pain, nothing disturbed
him. The scent of terror was growing stronger, more seductive.
The sheets were kicked away, revealing slick flesh to ravenous blue eyes.
Licking his lips, Spike began to strain against the ropes.
The vampire threw his weight against his bonds, and managed to tear his
way free. Brushing off the tattered remains of the ropes, he rose and
walked silently across the room and sat on the edge of Xander’s bed.
His presence was completely unnoticed; Xander was trapped in his
nightmare, more whimpered protests spilling from his lips.
Spike tried to figure out what to do. The boy was completely vulnerable,
but Spike couldn’t do anything directly to him. As he pondered, Xander’s
struggles became more violent, and a new word, one Spike hadn’t heard
during previous nightmares, broke forth.
Spike shot off the bed. Angelus? Where the hell had that come from?
He’d listened to Xander for several nights now, and the nightmares were
always the same: of Faith, the insane Slayer, of the abuse he had
received at her hands.
He never called out another name - apparently only sexual trauma stalked
But Angelus had never touched the boy. The Slayer and her friends had
never mentioned it, and they wouldn’t have welcomed Angel back if he had
If they knew.
Spike watched, stomach twisting, as Xander raised his arms defensively.
“Angelus, please! Nooooo...”
Xander forced a brush through his hair. He felt ragged, as if he hadn’t
slept. He yawned, and glanced over his shoulder at Spike, who was sitting
in his chair. Staring.
“Quit looking at me like that, or I’ll send you outside to play.”
The vampire didn’t react, just sat there and continued to stare.
Shrugging off his unease, Xander pulled on his uniform-of-the-week, and
headed for the door. “Be a good former-scary-guy, and I’ll bring you home
an extra bag of blood, K?”
Spike made no reply, and Xander ran off to work, hoping he’d wake up
Spike watched as Giles left the room to go search for a book somewhere
else in the house. Finally. Leaping up from the couch, he darted over to
where he had found Giles’s hidden history of the whole return-of-Angelus
He flipped through the journal quickly, scanning the pages for any mention
of Xander. There was nothing in there about a direct attack on the boy,
neither from Giles’s view, or from his interviews with Xander and Angel.
Nothing. But then why was Xander whispering Angelus’s name in terror now
every time he had a nightmare?
Spike didn’t like mysteries.
“I must prepare several delicate spells, and he could ruin everything,”
Giles explained. “It’s just for another few weeks. Really, it isn’t that
big a chore.”
“Fine, G-man. Whatever.” Xander sighed and left, not acknowledging the
vampire that followed him. It was a big deal. Ever since Spike had begun
staying with him, he hadn’t slept. Nightmares, ones he thought he’d
banished to the farthest corners of his mind, had been coming back. He
couldn’t help associating Spike with...no.
With a determined shake of his head, Xander shoved the thought down. He
wasn’t doing this. It was over.
Spike stared resentfully at the sleeping boy. How was he doing this? How
was Xander making him care? At first, the dreams had been entertaining, a
peep show into Xander’s private hell.
Everything changed with the mention of Angelus.
Now Spike couldn’t just watch and enjoy. He was forced to share in the
pain, the memories of his own experiences with his Sire producing feelings
of kinship with the boy.
As the nightmare escalated, Spike laid a cool hand across the sweating
brow, stroking gently and calming Xander, driving the horrific images
What the hell was wrong with him?
Spike stared at the dark-haired boy. Ever since Angel had returned, this
*man* had kept this secret. He’d had to live with seeing him, and he’d
said nothing. His friends had welcomed back the vampire, and he’d stayed
Spike knew he was still fucked up after encounters with Angelus. Now that
he cared, he couldn’t let this go on, let Xander not get the help he
needed. He moved to stand in front of Xander. “I’ll tell Giles,” he said
The next thing he knew, he was on the ground on his back, a stake at his
“You think I’ve kept my mouth shut so you can blow this by telling them?”
Xander demanded. “The minute you open your mouth, you and the stake get
“Fine, I won’t tell.” Spike waited until they were both on their feet to
continue. “But you have to tell someone. Talk about this, before it
destroys you.” The nightmares were getting worse, and Spike couldn’t
soothe them away.
“Who can I talk to? Not the Scooby Gang. Not anyone else. You Spike?
A bitter laugh rumbled out of Xander’s chest, at odds with the defeated
of his shoulders.
“What do you want to hear, huh? That Angelus found me alone, that I was
too weak to fight him off?
“That no matter what I tried, I couldn’t escape? That in the end I ended
up bent over a park bench, naked?
“That every time he tore his way into me, he told me *Angel* knew I wanted
“That he left me bleeding and torn and naked and alone?
“That he never looked at me after, not once? Is that what you wanted to
Xander broke off, his throat working convulsively, before turning to the
side and vomiting.
Cool hand smoothed over his arms, pulling into a strong embrace. “I don’t
want to hear, pet,” murmured a surprisingly soft voice into his ear. “I
don’t need to. I’ve lived it.”
Xander pulled his head back, staring surprised into blue eyes.
“He was my Sire, pet. Who do you think he practiced on before you?”
Stunned, Xander relaxed, allowing himself to be pulled back into the
embrace. There was someone else. Someone who knew. Someone who
understood. The tension that had been a part of him slowly began to drain
out of his frame, leaving him weak, shaken.
Shocked by the feeling of contact with another person, Xander relaxed,
allowing himself to be held. It was good - amazingly good, even if it
wasn’t exactly human contact. That thought shocked Xander back to
himself. This was *Spike*. He tore himself free and stared at the
startled vampire. “No.”
“No. I don’t know what you’re planning, but I’m not going to be a part of
“There’s no plan, pet.”
“Then why do you care?” Xander shook his head. “I’m such an idiot.”
He turned to go, but Spike caught his arm. “Wait!”
“Then tell me why. Why?”
“I want to know why! Why no one else knows about it. Angel always
insists on apologizing and angsting over what he’s done.”
“Probably because he didn’t regret it,” Xander muttered.
Hugging himself miserably, Xander shrugged. “Angel hated me. Why
shouldn’t he? I made his life miserable, and sent him to hell.”
“He never apologized?”
“He could hardly stand to look at me.”
Spike took the boy back into his arms, half afraid of how much he had come
to care about him. It went beyond kinship, and came frighteningly close
to something Spike didn’t even want to consider.
Sitting in on the latest Scooby Gang meeting, Xander stared dully at the
floor, letting the words rush over him. It had been a week since his
confrontation with Spike, and his friends were still oblivious.
Incredibly, the vampire had kept his word and stayed quiet. The young man
was confused, and Spike was the cause of it. As much as he needed to have
someone to talk to, and as much as Spike seemed willing to listen, Xander
just couldn’t trust him. And he desperately wanted to. Lost in his
thoughts, Xander tried to figure out what to do.
Spike watched as the now-familiar nightmare began to build, watched as
Xander began to writhe and cry out. He couldn’t watch, not now that he
knew he had lived and shared the other’s pain. Knowing Xander still
didn’t trust him, he still had to act. He pulled the blankets back on the
bed and crawled in beside Xander, pulling the over-heated body into his
arms. He began to murmur soothing nonsense words. He was oblivious to
the soft smile on his lips when Xander relaxed against him. The smile
lingered as he closed his own eyes and slept.
Xander stared at the pale face so close to his own, sharing his pillow.
He wasn’t sure when Spike had climbed into bed with him, but it had
helped. Somehow the vampire had kept the nightmares away. For the first
time in a long time, he had slept the night through. Thinking it over,
Xander decided not to pull away, but to stay in the cool arms that
surrounded him. It was insane, but Spike being there helped. At least
with the nightmares. Xander wasn’t even going to think about the feelings
- alarmingly like attraction - that he was to feel.
Angel frowned. He knew he’d seen something in this alley. Judging by the
speed, it wasn’t human. He felt a certain odd recognition of it, as well.
He moved into the dark passage, ready, alert.
It was almost enough.
A shape hurtled out of the shadows at him, knocking him to the cold, damp
pavement. Angel fought back in full Gameface, but it wasn’t enough.
Soon, he was pinned against the wall, a stake pressed up over his heart,
the tip digging painfully, terrifyingly into his skin. Finally, he was
able to make out the features of his attacker. “Spike.”
Under any other circumstances, Spike would’ve enjoyed torturing his Sire.
He had more important things on his mind, however. “I don’t have a lot of
time, so we’re going to make this fast. You tell me why, and I’ll be on
“Why you did what you did to Xander.”
Angel winced, looked away. “That was Angelus.”
“I’m not talking about the rape, you bloody bastard. I’m talking about
the way you treated him after. What, he didn’t deserve an apology?
Wasn’t worth a little remorse?” He pushed the stake in deeper, twisting
it as he did.
Angel sat his locked bedroom, ignoring Doyle and Cordelia’s frantic
knocking. Spike’s words still reverberated through his mind.
“thinks it’s his fault”
“secret eating him alive”
He hadn’t meant to hurt Xander any more, but apparently he had. He hadn’t
known what to do - an apology would’ve been laughable, almost cruel. He
had followed Xander’s lead and never mentioned it, which was clearly a
mistake. Even through the mass of guilt enveloping him, he wondered what
Spike’s interest was, why he cared. He wanted to check on Xander, but
what if going back just might make things worse?
Spike watched Xander fall over himself into bed. “Why are you so tired
pet?” Xander shrugged. Spike moved to look at him more closely, taking in
the bloodshot eyes, the lines of exhaustion. “Did you sleep at all?”
In a low voice, Xander admitted, “I can’t sleep if you’re not here.”
“I was gone for two nights!”
“What, I’m not in school, so I can’t pull all-nighters?”
Appalled, Spike quickly climbed into be and pulled the boy close. Xander
fell asleep immediately. Spike liked by the sign of dependence. It was
only fair - he’d been almost lost, without Xander.
Xander stared down at Spike. He’d rolled on top of Spike during the
night, but the vampire didn’t seem to mind. Seeing only curiosity in the
blue eyes, Xander gently leaned down and pressed his lips to Spike’s. The
blond responded slowly, softly. After a few minutes, Xander pulled back.
Spike’s gaze searched his face for a moment, then he moved up to kiss
Xander. Again, it was Xander who pulled back. “What’s this?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” Xander admitted. “I know I like it, though.”
“Good,” agreed Spike. “So do I.”
Xander settled back down, felling oddly content.
Xander was the first one out of Giles’s house, eager to be on patrol.
Working the dayshift meant he’d have time to go
hunting...patrolling...with Spike. They’d settled into a good team - Spike
would kill the demons, while Xander would keep the human baddies away. If
the night was quiet, they’d talk. Xander could hardly believe some of the
things Spike said during their conversations, but he wanted to. Things
like “it wasn’t your fault” and “There was nothing you could do” and “The
fact that you’re alive show how strong you are”. Xander listened, and
tried to believe.
Spike watched Xander getting ready for bed. Finally, he couldn’t wait any
longer. “Get over here,” he half-growled. Xander stared at him for a
moment, then grinned and joined him in bed. Spike pulled Xander on top of
himself, wrapping his arms around the mortal. They kissed, slow and long
and thorough, moving at whatever pace Xander set. When Xander pulled
away, Spike let him, albeit with a protesting moan. Xander grinned at
him, and kissed him once in apology, but then settled down to sleep.
Spike grinned. He was falling in love, and Xander was falling with him.
Xander groaned and thrust down harder against Spike, rubbing his erection
against the vampire’s in a frenzy of urgency and need. He was on the
edge, it felt like he’d been there forever, but he needed something more
to push him over. Spike seemed to sense his need. The vampire claimed
Xander’s mouth with his own, even as he cupped Xander’s ass with his hands
and pulled Xander even harder against him. That was what he needed - with
an ecstatic shout, Xander came hard, vaguely aware that Spike was coming
as well. He collapsed onto the vampire, panting and spent.
Spike watched Xander stare at the floor. The Scooby Gang was discussing
Angel in LA after a call from Cordelia. Not even the news that Angel was
more depressed then usual could cheer him, not when he was watching Xander
withdraw into himself a little more each time Angel’s name was said. He
moved to sit beside Xander, touching his shoulder in wordless support.
Xander flashed a small smile at him. //He’s just so damn brave// the
vampire thought. He couldn’t wait to leave, to get Xander away from his
friends, who continued to see nothing; not his pain, not his courage. He
leaned down. “We’ll do whatever you like tonight, love.” He grinned,
delighted by Xander’s shiver of anticipation.
Spike rolled over, so he was on top of Xander, without breaking the
fevered kiss with the other man. He’d made it his mission to make Xander
come as often as possible tonight, and he wasn’t willing to stop at twice.
Hands roaming possessively over the warm body, he licked his way down
Xander’s chest. Xander gasped out his pleasure, attempting distractedly
to retune the favor. Spike tried to move further down Xander’s body, but
the dark-haired man stopped him. Puzzled blue eyes met brown. “What’s
“In me. Next time, I want to come with you inside me.”
Xander grabbed Spike, refusing to let him leave. “How can you think that
you don’t matter to me? Do you think I was just using you?”
Spike pulled away. “I wasn’t thinking, at least not with my brain,
anyway.” The vampire shook his head. “Let’s not sit here and play
make-believe games, all right? We had some fun together, but let’s not
make more out of it then there really is.” The blond man’s voice was
steady, casual, but he refused to meet Xander’s gaze. He moved toward the
door, but was stopped by two low words: “You bastard.”
“You fucking bastard. We had fun? This was just fun for you?” Xander
could hardly force the words past the lump in his throat. Spike was
staring at him, expression unreadable. “You put me back together again,
when I was cracking apart. Because of you, I can sleep through the night
again - the dream hasn’t come back. After Angelus, I thought I’d never be
able to be with anyone else like that again, but you showed me I could.”
Xander drew in a long, shuddering breath. “You bastard. Just a fucking
game? Just fun? I fell in love with you!”
Spike lunged forward and caught Xander before he could escape. “No,
please, don’t leave, love.”
“Don’t call me that!”
The vampire considered staking himself. What had he done? A few moments
of jealously, and he set out to destroy Xander. Destroy the one he loved.
Knowing how badly he had hurt Xander, Spike began to talk, to try to
explain. As the words poured out of him, Xander struggled less, and
listened, Spike wound to a close, holding a completely motionless man in
his arms. “Never a game, Xander. I love you. I thought you could never
feel the same...”
Xander stopped Spike’s words with a kiss. The vampire hesitated, then
responded with rising passion. Xander pushed Spike down to the ground,
straddling the cool body as they stripped each other, flinging clothing
everywhere. A few more frenzied moments, and Xander was thrusting deep
into Spike, broken words of love spilling from each man’s mouth. Spike
came first, the contractions of his muscles dragging Xander’s orgasm from
him. They collapsed in a sweaty, sticky mess, wrapped in each other’s
arms, held together in each other’s love. Overwhelmed by sated
contentment and love, neither noticed the figure peering in the window.
Angle threw Spike against the wall. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but
it ends now.”
“You’re almost right,” agreed a voice behind him. Angel turned to see
Xander pointing a crossbow at him.
“Xander, I don’t know what he’s done to you...”
“Nothing I haven’t asked him to. Go.”
Angel shook his head. “Xander...”
“I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” His voice was steady,
gaze clear. “There’s no point. Not anymore.”
“He’s going to hurt you.”
“No, he’s not.” Xander was calm. “He loves me. I love him. The only
one here who’s hurting me is you. Go, before you make it worse.”
Spike held Xander tighter. “You’re sure you’re all right?”
Xander burrowed closer. “Yeah. I didn’t like seeing him, but I didn’t
feel like I was going to cry or throw up when I saw him. Not like I used
to.” He looked up at Spike. “I think I’m getting over it.”
Spike kissed him thoroughly. Xander hardly had nightmares at all any
more. The dark-haired man was getting stronger every day. Watching Xander
sleep was still one of his favorite pasties, but it was different now. He
loved Xander, was loved in return. Spike decided he liked the change.
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